


After Effects

by Wingsandcoffee



Category: Torchwood
Genre: And He Knows It, Angst, Gwen Bashing, Hallucinations, Humor, Ianto and OMC, Ianto has a brother, Ianto has twin daughters, Ianto leaves Cardiff, Jack grows a beard, Jack's a big idiot, M/M, Mental Illness, Retcon, Romance, San Diego, Surprises, also minor character death, but don't worry, he gets custody of them, i guess, it's only temporary, kissing always works, side effects of retcon, well they're a minor character in this story anyway
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-09
Updated: 2015-06-09
Packaged: 2018-04-03 14:21:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 34,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4104043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wingsandcoffee/pseuds/Wingsandcoffee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jack did not want to do this. He really had no desire to do this. But Ianto had asked him to and had given him a pretty good argument and looked at him with those gorgeous blue eyes and pleaded with those beautiful Welsh vowels</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This is also posted on FFN. So, it's completely done, I'm posting a few chapters now to gauge reaction and then I'll post the rest. I'm not gonna even look at it before doing so because then I might change things and it'll take too long to post. That's what happened with Sons of the Sea and I won't make that mistake again.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack did not want to do this. He really had no desire to do this. But Ianto had asked him to and had given him a pretty good argument and looked at him with those gorgeous blue eyes and pleaded with those beautiful Welsh vowels

 

_Once upon a time…_

Jack did not want to do this. He really had no desire to do this. But Ianto had asked him to and had given him a pretty good argument and looked at him with those gorgeous blue eyes and pleaded with those beautiful Welsh vowels.

In the end, Jack couldn’t refuse, if he did Ianto would never forgive him, never speak to him again. Granted, doing this Ianto would never speak to him again but at least he wouldn’t _know_ he wasn’t speaking to Jack.

Jack stood outside Ianto’s flat for a long time, gathering up the courage to go through with this. He understood and supported Ianto’s reasons for leaving Torchwood. The mother of his children had been killed by daleks and now Ianto was responsible for two little girls. Ianto wanted to be there for them, watch them grow up. Jack understood that, hell Jack _wanted_ that for Ianto.

But what Jack still couldn’t fully grasp was just why Ianto felt their relationship had to end; why he felt he had to forget being in Torchwood, forget loving Jack. Ianto had given him a good argument. Jack didn’t agree with most of it now that he thought it over. But if Jack didn’t do as Ianto asked it would just make things worse.

So, taking a deep breath and fighting tears he wished he didn’t have, he went up to Ianto’s door and knocked.

…

Jack held Ianto as the drug began to overtake him.

“I left detailed instructions to the Archives and coffee machine,” Ianto said, voice and eyelids heavy.

“I know,” was all Jack could say in response.

“You’ll give me the memories and ideas I want, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Jack’s eyes stung “Ianto?” it looked like he’d fallen asleep but then his eyes opened again.

“Hey, it was good, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Jack forced a smile, he meant it of course but it was just so damn hard to smile at the moment.

Ianto swallowed “I love you, I…”

“Don’t,” Jack interrupted, not wanting to hear what would only make things harder.

“You’ll forget me?” there was such uncertainty in his eyes.

Jack held him closer, “Never could, I promise.”

Ianto opened his mouth to speak again but finally sleep claimed him, the retcon taking hold. Jack sucked up his tears and whispered in Ianto’s ear the story Ianto made for himself. He then quietly went through the flat, looking for anything Ianto may have forgotten to remove himself.

Ianto had decided not to forget Lisa entirely—Jack wouldn’t have let him anyway, the way he loved Lisa was part of who he was. But he would forget though, just how she died and he would forget Torchwood, and worst of all, he would forget Jack.

Jack stopped himself in time before slamming his fist down on the kitchen counter. He didn’t want to wake Ianto’s daughters—Ianto would be out till morning. He washed the coffee mug he had drunk his last cup of Ianto coffee from and put it away. Then Jack’s eyes fell on Ianto’s coffee machine and he saw that an envelope was taped to it—it was addressed to him. Jack took the envelope and stuffed it in his pocket. He’d read it later, he had no desire to have his heart broken anymore tonight. He gave Ianto one last kiss, whispered words he couldn’t say before and left the flat without a sound.


	2. Chapter One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Who do you keep calling Ianto?” Gwen asked. She still didn’t know about his children. When Jack found out Ianto hadn’t wanted the others to know, not wanting to be treated differently. Besides they never found the right time to tell them. Soon after Jack found out, Owen became a zombie—well zombie was the closest comparison Ianto could come up with. Things just got worse after that.

Two months earlier…

Though he wasn’t outwardly showing it much, Ianto was worried sick. Since this whole thing started he’d been trying to call Cara and the girls. There was no answer, either at their home or Cara’s mobile. Three months before Cara had been transferred to Dallas. Ianto hadn’t been happy about his daughters being so far away but their mother was the one with custody. Ianto called as often as possible though.

He’d called repeatedly till Jack left to find the Doctor but always he got no answer. He tried again once he and Gwen were safe in Tosh’s force field. Still nothing. He was starting to fear the worst.

“Who do you keep calling Ianto?” Gwen asked. She still didn’t know about his children. When Jack found out Ianto hadn’t wanted the others to know, not wanting to be treated differently. Besides they never found the right time to tell them. Soon after Jack found out, Owen became a zombie—well zombie was the closest comparison Ianto could come up with. Things just got worse after that.

Ianto sighed; he may as well tell her if the world was ending anyway. Unless Jack found the Doctor and they managed to save it. “I have twin daughters.”

Her eyes went wide “What?”

“They just turned eight. They live in Dallas, Texas with their mother who is in UNIT. It’s a long story and I promise I’ll tell you once Jack and the Doctor put things right. But right now, I’m busy being worried about them.” He blinked, he’d never spoken to Gwen quite like that before. In fact, he’d never spoken to her quite that much in one breath before.

Gwen moved to sit next to him and put a hand on his arm “I’m sure they’ll be fine. Do you have a picture?”

“Aren’t you going to ask why you didn’t know before?” he pulled out his wallet. He didn’t wait for an answer “I didn’t want anyone to treat me differently. Jack knows though. He found out.” He showed her the photo he’d just received in the mail of the girls at their eighth birthday party. “Branwen’s in pink, Ceinwen’s in purple.”

Gwen squeed, it hurt Ianto’s ears “They’re adorable, Ianto.”

Ianto smiled “Yes, I know.”

…

Finally, when it was over and they were waiting for Jack to return, Ianto resorted to calling the UNIT base in Dallas. It took him over an hour to get through to someone and find out what happened. Cara was dead.

“Do you know if her daughters are all right?” Ianto asked frantically “I’m their father, Ianto Jones. I should be their emergency contact. I’m with Torchwood.”

“Spell that first name please, suh” said the obviously US southern accent on the other end.

Ianto sighed, “I. A. N. T.O.”

“Okay, there ya are. Someone would have gotten to ya eventually.”

“Are my daughters alive?”

“Yes, they are. Lt. Lewis’s girls are the reasons all the children in our day care didn’t get exterminated by them evil trash cans.”

“What?” Ianto had no idea when he sank onto the couch.

“You should be proud of your girls Mr Jones, they led all the kids to a hiding place. Daleks never found them.”

Ianto sobbed in relief “Thank God.”

“Will ya be coming to get them or do you want us to send them to ya? It looks like Lt. Lewis’s instructions say they go straight to you if anything happened to her.”

It didn’t take Ianto long to reach a decision “I’ll come there. I don’t want them to travel without me. Just give me a couple days.”

“No worries, Mr Jones, I can set things up with our offices in the UK. You can take a UNIT flight, be faster.”

“Thank you, uh, I’m sorry. I didn’t catch your name earlier.”

“Captain Randy Caruthers. Before ya say it, I know, Cara’s told me about my name.”

Ianto blinked at the captain’s use of her first name “You uh, knew her?”

“Sure did” his voice was softer now, less professional “for a year. We worked together when she first got here. But she had to change departments.”

Ianto got it. Randy didn’t just know Cara, he _knew_ her. “You and she were…”

“Yeah, hey why don’t we talk about it when you get here?”

“Sure. I’m sorry.”

Cara hadn’t told Ianto she had a boyfriend and the girls hadn’t mentioned—oh wait, yes they had, Ianto just hadn’t been paying attention.

“Me too. I’ll call back in a bit with the details of that flight. I think I can manage tomorrow. That work?” he was professional once more.

“Yeah, thank you.” Right now, Ianto didn’t give a damn what his own captain said.

…

Randy called back before Jack returned. Everything was set up; Ianto would leave from the Cardiff airport at noon the next day.

When Jack finally returned, Gwen had gone home to Rhys and to check on her parents. That was fine with Ianto; lately he couldn’t help a slight twinge whenever Gwen threw herself at Jack. Not that he was jealous; he and Gwen were friends and besides Gwen was married. Of course Gwen had cheated on Rhys before but Jack was no home wrecker so Ianto had nothing to worry about.

He had a coffee ready for Jack when he got in. Jack smiled at him, took the coffee, set it down and then pulled Ianto into a kiss. Ianto melted into it.

He pulled back after a few moments to tell Jack Gwen had gone home.

“Figured as much” Jack murmured and then kissed Ianto again.

Ianto held him tightly and couldn’t help it anymore, he started to cry, the stress of everything finally overtaking him. In addition to worrying about his children all day, he also suffered flashbacks to Canary Wharf.

At some point Jack had led him to the couch and just held him, rubbing his back, waiting for him to speak. Ianto was sobbing so much it was getting hard to breathe and he had to gasp for air.

“Shh, shh, it’s okay” Jack’s voice was soothing, “it’s okay, Ianto. Just let it out.”

Ianto took a breath and Jack’s scent began to calm him. He sucked up his tears and sat up. He took out his handkerchief and blew his nose. “I couldn’t get a hold of Cara all day. I knew you and the Doctor would set things right but I was scared to death anyway.”

“Worried about the girls?” Jack said gently.

Ianto nodded “Finally got through to Cara’s boyfriend about an hour after the Earth was put back.”

“What happened?”

“Cara’s dead,” Ianto shuddered.

Jack put an arm around him “And the twins?”

“They’re alive, thank God. Captain Caruthers said they saved all the children in UNIT Dallas’ day care.”

Jack gave him a small smile “Not surprised, considering their parents.”

Then Ianto got right down to it “I’m going to Dallas tomorrow to get Branwen and Ceinwen. They need me.”

Jack nodded “Of course. How long do you…”

“I don’t know. I imagine there’s paperwork. Cara said that if anything happened to her the girls go to me.” He told Jack the important details of his trip to Dallas.

Jack kissed him “Okay, do what needs to be done. Call me if you need anything and I’m sorry about Cara.”

“Thank you, Jack. Can you take me to the airport in the morning?”

“Absolutely.”

…

 

 

Jack had escorted Ianto as far as the plane. “Call if you need anything.”

“Thanks. Why does everyone keep saluting you?” as soon as they had arrived at the airport, the UNIT personnel kept standing at attention and saluting whenever Jack walked by.

“I don’t know” Jack grinned “but I like it.”

“Well, I’ll call when I arrive in Texas” and in what was most likely a one-time thing, Ianto decided to show a public display of affection and he kissed Jack’s cheek.

Jack grinned even wider “Talk to you later Ianto.”

…

When the plane landed in Dallas, the pilot pointed out a UNIT soldier waiting on the tarmac as Captain Caruthers. Ianto took several deep breaths, he was about to enter single fatherhood, and he disembarked the plane.

“Mr Jones,” for some reason the captain saluted him “Welcome to Texas, wish it were under better circumstances.”

“Me too” Ianto approached the UNIT captain. Caruthers was clearly of mixed race and very striking “er…did you just salute me?” Ianto had to know “and why was everyone so nice?” he’d been treated surprisingly well on the flight.

Caruthers helped him with his bag “Our understanding is that Torchwood helped put the Earth back on kilter.”

“Well, if it weren’t for Captain Harkness and the Doctor and everyone else with them…they’re the heroes. All I did was hook up a cable.”

“Even so, you’re associated with Captain Harkness who is friends with the Doctor. That means you get UNIT’s respect. That and you’re on the friendly list of two UNIT officers, Lt. Cara Lewis and Dr Martha Jones.”

“Huh. Well, that’s good to know.”

“Now, I’ll take you to the girls. My mom’s looking after them.”

…

As they reached Caruthers’ car, Ianto realised just how hot the weather was. He tugged at his collar “It’s very warm here, isn’t it?”

Caruthers arched an eyebrow “Is it? Only 85, actually pretty nice for this time of year,” he put Ianto’s suitcase in the boot, “but I guess you ain’t used to it. I’ll put the AC on.”

Once they were on the road Ianto asked “Are Branwen and Ceinwen holding up okay?” he should have asked first off but he was still getting the hang of this thinking of his children first thing.

Caruthers took off his cap and tossed it on the dashboard. He was bald “Better than me” he sounded less like a soldier and more like a man who’s had his world taken away. Ianto knew what that was like. “Bright girls you’ve got, Mr Jones. They knew there was a chance their mama might not come home. But it’s only been a day, I don’t think it’s really hit them yet. It’s good that you’re here, they’re gonna need their daddy.”

Ianto nodded “Thank you, Captain for all this.”

“No problem. And call me Randy, if you can keep a straight face.”

Ianto smiled slightly “Then call me Ianto. Do you know how many Mr Joneses there are in the world?”

…

Randy’s family’s house was in the same neighbourhood as Cara’s apartment interestingly enough. The house was two stories and looked about maybe fifty years old but it was well cared for and the garden was immaculate.

“Just to warn you,” Randy said as he pulled into the driveway behind a green Mustang with California plates “the whole family’s over, them daleks just had to invade during Caruthers reunion week. Also my brother’s gay so he might flirt with you.”

“That’s all right, I’m used to such things.”

“Ah, I’ve heard Captain Harkness is a bit of a flirt.”

“Understatement of the century, Randy. He is the god of flirts.”

They got out of the car and immediately two little girls ran into Ianto’s arms “Tad!”

Ianto knelt down and hugged them close “Thank God, you’re okay.” And it was in that instant Ianto knew what he would need to do but he wouldn’t think of it right now. Right now all he needed to do was hold his babies who were now crying and telling him what happened. Ianto was crying too. He wasn’t sure how long they were like that before he felt a hand on his shoulder. He looked up. Randy nodded towards the house. Ianto stood up, a girl in each arm.


	3. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The twins didn’t know about Torchwood. Ianto and Cara agreed it was enough they knew about UNIT, they didn’t need to be introduced to the dangers of Torchwood. The girls believed Ianto was an office assistant, which in a way he was. Actually they believed he was a spy like James Bond and office assistant was just his cover. “I think it might be time for a change.”

Randy led them to a guest room where Ianto could talk to the girls alone. They had stopped crying and were now just sniffling. Ianto set them on the bed and kneeled in front of them. “I’m so sorry this happened. Your mother was a wonderful woman.” Ianto didn’t know what else he could say, should say “I love you both, you know that, right? And we’re gonna get through this together, yeah?”

They nodded and hugged him.

“Are we gonna live with you now, Tad?” Ceinwen asked.

“Yes,” he told them “I’ll take you to back to Cardiff once we get things sorted here and then we’ll go from there.”

“What do you mean?”

Ianto took a breath “I’m not sure I want to live in Cardiff anymore.”

“Why not?”

The twins didn’t know about Torchwood. Ianto and Cara agreed it was enough they knew about UNIT, they didn’t need to be introduced to the dangers of Torchwood. The girls believed Ianto was an office assistant, which in a way he was. Actually they believed he was a spy like James Bond and office assistant was just his cover. “I think it might be time for a change.”

“Can we live in San Diego?” Branwen asked “Randy’s brother, Jason lives there and he says it’s really fun. Or we can stay near Randy, he really loves Mam.”

“We’ll think about it later, okay?” then Ianto asked “How did your mam and Randy meet?”

“When Randy was in Cardiff last year. We told you about him. Mam said it was love at first sight.”

Ianto smiled “Hopeless romantic, your mam.”

There was a knock on the door. Ianto twisted around so he was facing it “Come in.”

An older woman walked in, she was maybe half a shade darker in skin tone than Ianto. Her brown hair was almost completely grey. Ianto figured she must be Randy’s mother. She was holding a tray of plastic cups and what looked like biscuits or cookies as they were called in America.

“I thought ya’ll could use some milk and cookies” she said.

Ianto stood up “That’s very kind of you. You must be Mrs Caruthers?”

“Sure am” she set the tray on an end table and held out her hand “Call me Irene.”

Ianto shook it “I’m Ianto. It’s nice to meet you.”

“And you. Those angels of yours say nothing but good things about you.”

Ianto smiled “I’ll have to raise their allowance then.”

…

The Caruthers house was really quite quaint; it had a relaxing atmosphere that helped calm Ianto’s nerves. Due to the family reunion things weren’t neat as a pin but Ianto could tell that they usually were and there wasn’t a speck of dust in sight.

“You have a lovely home, Irene” Ianto told her when the short tour was completed. The girls had moved their snacks to the back garden where most of the family was located. “Quite the collection” he said as he gazed at the Precious Moments figures in the china cabinet.

“Thank you, I do try. It’s easier to keep things neat now that all the boys are grown.” Irene led him to the sofa “It’s good that you could come to your babies so quickly. There should be more young fathers like you.”

Ianto sat down. There was something about this woman he liked and trusted. He actually wanted to talk to her “I’ll be honest with you, Irene, when Cara got pregnant I was well, I guess you could say a punk, even though we met at church. But when they were born I knew I had to grow up fast. And my father beat sense into me but we don’t have to talk about that.”

Irene patted his hand “I understand. If any of our boys knocked their girl up when they were still babies themselves Dan would have whipped them good.”

As if on cue the front door opened and an older black man walked in.

“Ianto this is my husband, Dan” Irene said “Dan, this is Ianto Jones, the twins’ daddy.”

Ianto stood up and held out a hand “It’s a pleasure to meet you Mr Caruthers.”

Dan shook his hand “I heard you were polite.”

Ianto smiled slightly “It’s how I was raised sir.”

“Sir?” Dan arched an eyebrow “even my own children don’t call me sir. Your parents raised you right.”

Fighting a twitch in his eye Ianto nodded “They did their best.”

Dan (who reminded Ianto of Lisa’s father) then excused himself upstairs to get out of his work clothes—he was a detective with Dallas PD—and Irene took Ianto outside to the back garden or yard as it’s called in America.

It seemed everyone was either in the pool or sitting around it, except for Randy and another man who were by the grill which was well out of the pool’s splash zone. The twins were sitting at the edge of the shallow end with their legs in the water.

“Everyone” Irene announced “This is Ianto, he’s Branwen and Ceinwen’s daddy.”

There was a resounding chorus of “Hi Ianto.”

Ianto felt his cheeks flush “Hi everyone.” He was saved from saying more by everyone going back to what they were doing.

He must have looked visibly relieved because Randy smiled and called to him “Ianto, come over here and meet my little brother.”

The other man whacked him in the ribs.

Irene clucked “Those two. Well you go on and mingle Ianto, I gotta get back in the kitchen and work on the sides.”

“Do you need any help?”

“No” she beamed “but thank you for asking.”

Ianto went over to the grill.

Randy clapped him on the back “Ianto, this is my brother Jason.”

Ianto nodded and held out his hand “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Jason.”

Jason smiled and shook his hand “Oh the pleasure’s all mine, Ianto.”

Ianto had to admit that Jason Caruthers was really rather good looking. Where Jack was classically handsome, like a 40’s film star and a fairy tale prince, Jason was smoking hot like an underwear model. Especially as he was wearing only a speedo. Very few men could pull off a speedo; Jason Caruthers was one of them.

Whoa. Stop right there, Ianto Jones. You’re only gay for Jack. Aren’t you?

“Ianto,” Randy said, saving Ianto from his thoughts “you must be sweating like a stuck pig in that suit.”

Ianto tugged at his collar “Yes, I imagine if I were to remove my jacket that would be apparent.”

“Did you bring anything cooler?”

“Jeans and t-shirts.”

The twins came up to him “You should come swimming with us Tad.”

“Oh sweeties, I didn’t bring any swimming trunks.”

“I have an extra pair that should fit you” said Jason.

“Oh I…”

“Please Tad” the girls looked up at him with their big blue eyes and pouty lips.

He just couldn’t resist. “All right” he said and he asked Jason “they are trunks right? ‘Cos, I’m not getting in a speedo for all the coffee in Kenya.”

Jason chuckled, brown eyes dancing in the sun (wait a minute, the heat was starting to get to him, that was it) “Yes, they’re trunks. I have sunscreen too, I bet you burn easily.”

“Probably” then he remembered he told Jack he’d call when he got to Dallas “I just need to call back home first. I told Jack, my boss, I’d check in when I got here. He’s very concerned.”

“Sounds like an involved boss.”

“He’s also my friend” Ianto took out his mobile and moved to an empty corner of the yard.

Jack answered on the first ring “Ianto, you make it to Dallas all right?”

“Yes, thanks. I didn’t wake you did I?”

“Nah, you know me. I only sleep when I feel like it and I don’t feel like it. There’s no one here to tire me out.”

Ianto could just see Jack’s lustful grin.

“I’m at Captain Caruthers’ family’s house now.” Ianto told him “His mum was looking after the girls.”

“How they holding up?”

“All right so far, we all had a good cry but it’s only been a day, so there’ll probably be more. I don’t know how long I’ll be yet. How long can you spare me?”

“Take as long as you need, Ianto. There’s no rush. Gwen and I can manage. If I have to I’ll give Martha a call, UNIT seems to have taken a liking to me.”

“Apparently they respect friends of the Doctor.”

“I know, isn’t it great? And if worse comes to worst I suppose Rhys can be of some use.”

“I don’t think it should come to that. It should take me at least a few days to get everything sorted and the girls packed. But I don’t want to rush things too quickly, you know?”

“Like I said take as long as you need. Your girls are more important right now.”

“Thank you Jack, I really appreciate it.”

“No problem besides, we’re not due another near apocalypse for at least a few more months.”

Ianto had to laugh a little “True. Hey, do you want me to send you a picture of a hot guy in a speedo?”

“Who am I? There’s a hot guy there?”

“Several actually but this one is Randy’s younger brother. I’ll send it to you when I hang up.”

“Sounds good.”

Ianto took a breath, he needed to talk to Jack about what he had to do now but he couldn’t do it over the phone “Jack, when I get back, we need to talk about…about how things are…”

“I know” Jack cut him off “I know and we will, when you get back and get your girls settled. We’ll work things out, Ianto, don’t worry.”

Ianto sighed, he knew what he’d have to do in the end, but did Jack? “Thank you, Jack. I’ll call you again when I know how long I’ll be here.”

“Okay. Stay hydrated, it gets hot in Texas.”

“So I noticed. Night Jack.”

“Night Ianto” Jack hung up.

Ianto looked back towards the grill, Dan now wearing shorts, a Hawaiian shirt and an apron with flames on it had taken over the cooking. Jason was sitting on a lawn chair.

Ianto went over to him “I’m ready to get out of this suit now.”

Jason grinned as he stood “That right?”

Ianto’s cheeks were incredibly hot “Wait, I didn’t mean it like it sounded. I think.” Wait, did he just say ‘I think’ out loud?

Jason chuckled again “I know.”

Ianto sighed “Anyway, do you mind if I take your picture? Jack’s a bit mad for hot guys.”

Jason’s grin became wider “Sure, I don’t mind. I modelled to work my way through law school.”

“Great, thanks” Ianto stepped back and snapped the picture. He sent it to Jack’s mobile.

“Well” Jason said “let’s go get you out of those clothes.”

Again with the hot cheeks.

As they made their way inside, Jack texted back:

_*wolf whistle*_

_Wish I was there_

_I’d go 4 it if I were u._

Ianto shoved the mobile back in his pocket “Jack says wolf whistle.”

“I’m flattered. Fair is fair, do you have a picture of him?”

They were at the base of the stairs. “Yes” he took his phone out again. He only had one picture of Jack on his mobile “He’s naked and his head’s cut off though.”

“I don’t care. Would it bother him?”

“Are you kidding? Jack’s an exhibitionist.” Ianto showed him the picture.

Jason let out a whistle “And this is just a tiny little photo. Yummy.”

Once they were upstairs and in another guest room, Jason dug in his bag and pulled out a pair of red swimming trunks. “So, is Jack more than just your boss/friend?”

And again with the cheeks. He sighed heavily “That is a very good question.” He took the trunks from Jason “I’ll just go into the bathroom and put these on, shall I.”

“Sure, I’ll find you a towel while you’re in there. Oh and here’s a hanger for your suit.”

…

Ianto stared at himself in the mirror. Good God, he was pale and it made the black hair on his chest more apparent. At least he didn’t have tan lines; that would be worse. But wait, had he gained weight? The trunks were a little snug but not enough so that it would be obvious to the untrained eye. That was something at least. He stepped on the bathroom scale, yes he had; thirteen pounds since he’d last paid any attention. What the hell?

There was a knock on the door “Everything okay in there, Ianto?” it was Jason.

Ianto took a breath and cringed at how red his cheeks were “I guess. Just marvelling at how pale I am.” He opened the door.

Jason stood there, sunscreen in his hand and a towel draped over his shoulder. He looked Ianto up and down “I’ve seen paler. Trunks fit okay?”

Ianto chuckled nervously “They’re okay. Too much take-out and not enough running lately though.”

Jason smiled “I think you look fine.” He drug out the word and was looking at Ianto as if he liked what he saw.

Considering the house was air conditioned, Ianto was fairly certain it wasn’t the heat making his cheeks burn. What was going on here?

Jason held out the sunscreen “Need help with this? I can get your back if you want, unless that makes you uncomfortable.”

Ianto sighed “No that’s all right. I don’t mind. If I were so inclined, I have every right to sue Jack for sexual harassment. So if you wanna feel me up go right ahead, I’m used to it.”

Jason’s eyes widened “That right?”

“Yeah, I was straight till I met Jack.”

Jason laughed and squeezed some lotion into his hand “No kidding?”

Ianto turned around “No kidding.”

Jason started rubbing the lotion into Ianto’s back “Well I guess since you have kids that means you slept with at least one woman.”

“Yeah, Cara was my first to be honest. Ended up just being friends, she was a bit too mature for me at the time.” Ianto normally wasn’t much of a talker but he needed something to distract him from the fact that Jason’s hands felt good “My next serious relationship wasn’t till Lisa.” Ianto Jones, you are not, you are not getting hard. He’s not Jack, only Jack can make you hard “You about done?” he asked Jason.

Jason ran his hand over the small of Ianto’s back “Yep, all set” he handed the bottle to him “you can do the rest yourself I bet.”

“I can manage I think. Last time I needed sunscreen was when Lisa and I went to the beach and it was too cold to actually go swimming, she made me take my shirt off anyway. It must been about two weeks before she died.”

“Oh I’m sorry.”

“Thanks” Ianto picked up his wallet which he’d set on the bathroom counter and took out the picture of Lisa he still carried in it “this is her.”

“Wow, she was beautiful. You know, it always surprises me when I see a white boy with a black girl, it’s usually the other way around, from what I’ve seen anyway.”

“Really? I haven’t really noticed. Although that would explain the look on Mr Hallett’s face when Lisa brought me home or maybe it’s because I’m Welsh—Lisa was English.” He put the picture away.

Jason patted his shoulder “You’ll have to tell me about her sometime. Come on back to the back yard when you’re done.”

…

Despite being thoroughly covered in lotion Ianto still dug in his suitcase for a t-shirt but then decided to forget it. Maybe he’d get a tan and anyway if he stuck close to his two very Welsh daughters and Mrs Caruthers he wouldn’t feel quite so pale. Okay, okay white, he wouldn’t feel quite so white.

It was stupid, he knew. He didn’t even feel so pale with Lisa’s family but maybe it was because of what he’d heard of Americans, how there was still a more apparent racial division than in the UK (though was still some of one there as well).

As soon as he stepped outside the twins took his hands and dragged him to the pool “Come on, Tad” they said “play Marco Polo with us.”

“All right, all right. Wait what?” Ianto stopped and stared at the group of children in the pool, all ranging in age from 5 to 13.

Randy came up next to him and chuckled “Don’t worry, you won’t be the only adult playing. They wrangled me into it too. Don’t know how he got out of it though” he inclined his head towards Jason who was lounging in a deck chair talking on his mobile.

“Ah, maybe ‘cos he’s on the phone.”

Randy shrugged “I guess, it does sound like he’s talking to a client. He’s a divorce lawyer. Well, let’s get this game played.”

…

Later as everyone was eating, Ianto found the opportunity to speak with Randy privately “I don’t know how they can be enjoying themselves” he said in reference to the twins “I was a wreck when my mother died and I was twenty-two.”

“Mom says it’s good to keep them distracted for a while but eventually you’re gonna have to sit them down and really talk about what happened.”

Ianto sighed deeply and nodded “I know. I know what I’m going to have to do but I don’t know how to do it.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m going to quit Torchwood, find a safer career. I can’t put them through this again” Ianto hadn’t decided on retcon yet though he knew it was protocol. That was four years of his memories that would be altered. How could he forget Torchwood while remembering Cara had been in UNIT? Well, actually that wouldn’t be so difficult, he’d known Cara was in UNIT before he knew about Torchwood. Of course forgetting Torchwood would also mean forgetting Jack. Oh he’d think about it later.

“Tough decision Ianto, will Harkness just let you quit?”

Ianto took a sip of the carbonated piss Americans called beer he was given and shrugged “I don’t know.”

“Randy” Irene called “Lieutenant-Colonel Jones is here to see you.”

“See” Ianto said as Randy stood at attention “see what I mean about that name? And to think the Gallaghers keep trying to beat us.”

A man in a UNIT uniform approached them “At ease Captain”.

“Sir” Randy relaxed “what brings you here?”

“I wanted to see how you were holding up” wait, there was a Welsh twang to his accent “and…” he looked at Ianto.

Ianto recognised him then, his mouth fell open “Holy shit!” his hand went to his mouth when he realised he had gotten everyone’s attention. He bit his lip to prevent himself from saying another swear word.

Irene tsked at him “Watch your tongue, Ianto.”

Ianto took a breath “Sorry” and then he looked at the Lt. Colonel who was smiling slightly “Devin?”

He nodded “Ianto. I thought it might be you I heard about. Since when are you in Torchwood?”

“Since when are you a Lieutenant Colonel?” Ianto retorted.

Randy looked back and forth between them, “You two know each other?”

Devin nodded “Ianto here is my brother.”


	4. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But could he do that? Forgetting Jack would be forgetting Torchwood and that was four years of his life. Because he’d have to wipe out Torchwood entirely, forgetting Lisa too. Because there was no way he could go on if he thought he was still mourning her. But considering everyone else knew about Lisa, he didn’t think it wise to forget her entirely. He needed to plan this out. There had to be a way he could remember Lisa but not Torchwood. He’d have to do some retcon research.

“Half-brother” Ianto corrected. And for some reason he found himself saying “You weren’t at Dad’s funeral.”

“I couldn’t get away. I called him though, before he died. He told me he was still waiting for _your_ call. Did you call him?”

Ianto looked down at the grass “I didn’t know what to say.”

“You never do. But is now really the right time to be having this conversation?” Devin sighed heavily “I heard what happened and I want to help.”

“You two wanna talk privately?” Randy asked.

…

Ianto threw on his t-shirt when they got to the guest room he and the girls were staying in. He checked his mobile to see if he’d missed any calls—he hadn’t. He got a text from Rhi though, asking if he was all right. He’d only talked to her briefly the day before to see if she and her family were okay. He hadn’t told her that Cara was dead yet.

He leaned against the wall and stared at Devin who was leaning against the opposite wall. Ianto sighed with a bit of groan mixed in. His estranged older half-brother in UNIT was something else Jack didn’t know about him. Probably should tell him. But it wasn’t something Ianto thought about often.

Devin was twelve years older than Rhiannon and his mother was American. When Devin’s mother divorced their father she got custody of Devin. Ianto was two when Devin went off to University in America.

Devin was the successful one, Devin was the one Ianto was always compared to. ‘Why can’t you be more like your brother?’ Dad would say. It was Devin’s shadow Ianto hoped to finally escape from by joining Torchwood but it wasn’t until their father died the criticism ended.

“Why do you hate me?” Devin broke the silence.

Ianto blinked “What? I don’t hate you.”

“You resent me. I should be resenting you. After all, your mother stole Dad from mine.”

“That’s not true. Dad and your mum were already divorced.”

“I know but I didn’t see it that way then and I was so mad when Rhiannon was born. I thought she’d take Dad’s attention away from me. When you were born, well I was sixteen so I knew better. I was actually excited to have a little brother. I’m sorry we’re not closer.”

“Yeah well, we’re sixteen years apart aren’t we?”

“Exactly so why do you resent me?”

“You know why.”

“No I don’t.”

“You were always Dad’s favourite even though you stopped visiting as much once you joined UNIT.”

“I had a job to do. I would think you’d understand that now. And I wasn’t Dad’s favourite.”

“You were” Ianto stepped away from the wall “you were the golden boy. Nothing I did was ever good enough for him.”

“Because you didn’t try” Devin stood straight.

“I did.”

“You didn’t. If you had, you would have gotten a job you could actually talk to him about. It makes sense now when he’d tell me you always changed the subject when he brought up your work, the rare occasion you did talk to him.”

“He never wanted to talk to me.”

“That’s not true. He tried to reach out to you but you never had time for him.”

Ianto’s fist connected with Devin’s jaw before he could think “You never had time either” he swung again but Devin caught his wrist this time.

Devin’s UNIT training won over Ianto’s occasional weevil fighting and he pushed Ianto to the floor. “I called him when I could. I regret not spending more time with him” there were tears in his eyes, the same eyes Ianto had “and I know why you avoided him, you think I don’t? I know he was a complete bastard when he was drunk but that was only when he was drunk. He had a problem and he tried to get help, he did, he tried. My God, Ianto when the hell are you going to stop seeing him through the eyes of an angst ridden teenager and remember him like Rhi and I do?”

Ianto couldn’t look at him, his own eyes stinging.

Devin kneeled next to him “When are you going to grow up? You’re almost twenty-five and you’re a father yourself. It’s time to be a man.”

Ianto propped himself up on his elbows and tried to fight his tears “Why are you here?”

“You’re my brother Ianto. I want to help you.”

“Did you know Cara had been transferred here?”

“Not till I heard she was killed and the twins’ father was coming for them. I was quite surprised when I found out you were in Torchwood.”

“She’s been here three months, how could you not know she was here?”

“I’m in Archives. I guess she never had reason to go down there.”

Ianto sniffed “You’re in Archives? That is so weird.”

“Why? Is that what you do at Torchwood?”

Ianto nodded “Well a little of everything really, especially since we lost two of our team couple months back.”

“When Cardiff had all those explosions?”

“Yeah, that was, that was complicated.” He didn’t think Jack would want UNIT to know the exact circumstances. But thinking about Tosh and Owen caused him to break down again, the third time in twenty-four hours.

Devin pulled him into his arms “It’s gonna be okay.”

“No it’s not” Ianto sobbed “I have to quit but I can’t leave just Jack and Gwen but…I want to be there for Branwen and Ceinwen…” he couldn’t talk anymore. His brother was right, it was time to grow up and there was only one way to do that. He had to leave Torchwood and he had to leave Jack. He had to get as far away from that world as possible.

But first he had to figure out just how to do it.

He caught his breath “I might need your help” he told Devin “I’ll let you know when I get everything sorted.” He pulled back “God, I’m sorry. I got your uniform all soggy.”

Devin chuckled lightly “That’s all right. No permanent damage. Hey, how about sometime while you’re in Dallas I take you and the girls around town?”

Ianto nodded “Sure. You haven’t really met them have you?”

“No I don’t think so.”

“Let’s go back outside then.” He took a breath “but first” he texted Jack:

_I have a ½ bro_

Immediately he got a response.

JACK: ?

Ianto: _He’s a L. C. in unit_

Jack actually called next “There a reason I didn’t know about this before?”

“Well sir, we were estranged.”

…

Ianto gave up on sleep at a quarter to five the next morning. Devin had invited Ianto and the twins to stay with him but the girls were already so comfortable at the Caruthers’ house. And besides as Ianto recalled Devin was allergic to coffee and wouldn’t have any in his house.

He went downstairs. The only other person awake was Dan, apparently he was getting ready for work.

“Good morning Detective Caruthers” Ianto nodded at him.

“Morning and didn’t I tell you to call me Dan?”

“Sorry sir.”

Dan shrugged “Couldn’t sleep huh?”

“I think it’s the time difference.”

“Well there’s coffee if you want. I gotta get to work, still a lot of crap to clean up after those metal things.” He made for the door.

“Good luck” Ianto told him and went to the kitchen.

The coffee smelled awful and it was no wonder when Ianto found the container. “Folgers? Ick” and one look told him that the coffee filter had been re-used. That wouldn’t do at all. Maybe there was tea because he would rather have that than this stuff. Hell, he’d almost rather have instant, almost.

Green was the only caffeinated tea they had. It would have to do. Randy came in to the kitchen then and actually poured some of the hot liquid shit into a mug. He didn’t speak till after he took a sip. “You like green tea?” he nodded to the box Ianto was still holding.

“Not really but I’m very particular about my coffee.”

“Ah, yeah Cara mentioned that. Sorry, Dad does have a habit of recycling his filters. Ya get used to it. If you want, Jason offered to take you, me and the girls to breakfast. He’s paying so I didn’t want to say no. He can afford it.”

“That sounds good. Just as long as there’s decent coffee. No offence to your dad’s taste buds or anything.”

“He’s a cop, they don’t have taste buds.”

They shared a laugh and then Ianto asked “How are you?”

Randy sighed “I don’t know. I just gotta keep going ya know? Maybe when things calm down and I have time to deal with it.”

“Well don’t take too long. You can’t keep things inside. I know. Maybe you should take some time off.”

“I’ve already had it forced on me. Before you landed yesterday, commanding officer gave me a month.”

“That’s good.” Ianto leaned against the counter “I don’t know if Cara told you but I lost my girlfriend Lisa to Cybermen.”

“No she didn’t tell me. I’m sorry. Was that at Canary Wharf?”

Ianto nodded “Technically.” He took a breath and told Randy what really happened. He hadn’t even told Cara he’d tried to keep Lisa alive. For some reason, he felt Randy should know.

When the story was finished Randy handed him a paper towel “I don’t blame you” he said, eyes shining “I’d have done the same thing.”

“You loved Cara didn’t you?”

Randy got a paper towel for himself “Was gonna ask her to marry me.” It seemed he was really trying not to cry.

Ianto blew his nose “I was gonna ask Lisa. You don’t have to be a soldier all the time, Randy. It’s okay to cry, I won’t tell anyone.”

Randy broke down then and not knowing what else to do, Ianto hugged him. It was a brotherly hug, comforting, them both crying for women they loved and lost. Ianto was crying for Lisa and for Cara and for the life he would leave behind when he left Cardiff. Because he had to leave Cardiff, it was too dangerous staying there.

A movement at the kitchen door made them break apart. It was Irene.

She opened up her arms “Come here boys, it’s gonna be okay.”

…

Breakfast was enjoyable and the coffee was good. That was the important thing. Afterwards, Randy took him back to the UNIT base to get the paperwork taken care off—it mostly was already thanks to Randy and Devin. All Ianto had to do was sign stuff—he read it all first of course.

He would be given full custody of the twins—their mother had no other family. A trust fund would be set up for them consisting of what they were due from Cara’s life insurance policy. Ianto would also receive some funds to help care for them. He was grateful for that, he’d need it as his Torchwood paycheque would soon stop.

Ianto went to lunch with Devin at an “Irish” pub in down town Dallas. They had parked a couple blocks away and walked.

“That’s the book depository” Devin pointed out “and the grassy knoll.”

“Wow” Ianto looked around “kind of puts things into perspective standing in the area where he died.”

Devin nodded “That’s what I felt when I first came here.”

“You know, I’ve been wondering, when President Winters was killed last year, seemingly by Prime Minister Saxon, didn’t America want revenge or something? Maybe engage in war against us?”

Devin took a breath “They would have had it happened on UK soil but as it was on the Valiant it was technically international soil—even though there was no actual soil. That and UNIT managed to placate the U.S. Anyway, Saxon wasn’t really human…”

Ianto stared at him “He wasn’t?”

“Harkness didn’t tell you?”

Ianto sighed “He doesn’t tell me a lot of things.”

“He was an evil Time Lord called the Master, UNIT has files on him that go back almost as far as the Doctor. Harkness was on the Valiant when it all went down, so were the Doctor and Martha Jones.”

Ianto sighed again and muttered “explains how they were so chummy with each other. So that’s where he was…”

“Should I not have told you that?”

Ianto shook his head “No, it’s okay. I knew he’d gone off with the Doctor, I’d always known that’s who he was waiting for. I think I was the only one of our team at the time. I worked for Torchwood London after all, I knew who the Doctor was. Anyway, where’s this pub then? I need a drink.”

…

Once they had their pints and were waiting for their food, Devin asked “So you were at Canary Wharf then?”

Ianto nodded but didn’t elaborate. He didn’t want to talk about it again today. He had other things to think about.

The girls seemed okay, doing better than Ianto at any rate and they really liked the Caruthers. Ianto did too so he’d find a way to stay close to them, if only for the girls’ sake.

Ianto was worried though at how he was attracted to Jason. He’d been certain that Jack was the only man but maybe…Maybe when Jack was around Ianto was blinded to everyone else. Perhaps once he left Cardiff there could be something with Jason but not while he still loved Jack. And that was the problem, Ianto would always love Jack, unless… unless he took retcon and forgot Jack.

But could he do that? Forgetting Jack would be forgetting Torchwood and that was four years of his life. Because he’d have to wipe out Torchwood entirely, forgetting Lisa too. Because there was no way he could go on if he thought he was still mourning her. But considering everyone else knew about Lisa, he didn’t think it wise to forget her entirely. He needed to plan this out. There had to be a way he could remember Lisa but not Torchwood. He’d have to do some retcon research.

He took a drink and said “I might take retcon, if I do, I’ll need your help.”

“Isn’t that the amnesia pill? Why would you take it?”

Ianto breathed deeply “It might be the only way I can move on. But I won’t talk about it in an Irish pub in the Southern United States.”

Devin’s eyes widened, he must have got it “You mean…you and…whoa, Ianto.”

“I suppose we can converse in Welsh but I really don’t fancy crying in front of a bunch of Irish cowboys.”


	5. Chapter Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They hadn’t been able to talk that day, there was a Rift alert and then Ianto had to get home to Branwen and Ceinwen. Once they were in bed and asleep, he went through his diary, looking for reasons why continuing his “relationship” with Jack would be unwise and unhealthy. He found them, especially in the entry after Rhys found out about Torchwood.

Two weeks later Ianto returned to the Hub.

Jack was the only one there so early in the morning and he grinned when he saw Ianto.

“Ianto!” Jack took him in his arms and kissed him “when did you get back? I would have picked you up.”

“I know but my brother flew back with me. He and the girls are with Rhi.”

Jack nodded “How they doing?”

Ianto sighed “Better than I expected but its early days yet. Now, would you like some coffee?”

“Oh god yes, you have no idea.”

Ianto gave him a smile and went up to the kitchen.

“Did I miss anything?” he asked when he delivered Jack’s coffee.

Jack shook his head “Just a few weevils. It was a very dull couple of weeks, only three rift openings, if you can believe it, and it was just space junk. I gave Gwen some time off too.”

“That was good of you.”

“Yeah, well, it wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle by myself.” He took a drink “mmm, perfection. I had to have cola for my caffeine fix this week, coffee shop coffee doesn't compare.”

“I’m flattered sir.”

Jack gestured to the visitor’s chair “So tell me about Dallas.”

Ianto sat and took a breath “Full of Americans.”

Jack laughed “I’m sure.”

“Devin, that’s my brother, took me and the girls to Six Flags Over Texas in Arlington.”

“Did you have a good time?”

Ianto nodded “Lost my sunglasses on the Texas Giant—it’s a roller coaster, so get your mind out of the gutter and got sunburned the hell out of but yeah.”

“Oh yeah, your face is very red. Did I hurt you when I hugged you? Or did you not take your shirt off?”

“The girls made me go swimming every day so yeah, the rest of my upper half and my legs are sunburned.”

Jack winced “So…”

“It was a little uncomfortable but the kiss made up for it. I may let you put lotion on me later.” Ianto had been pleased that Jack seemed to miss him and he’d decided not to tell Jack what he was thinking till he thought more.

Jack gave him a smile “I look forward to it. So, tell me about this Jason guy.” He said this a bit lecherously.

Ianto stood up “Nothing to tell. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to make sure my archives are as I left them.”

Ianto heard Jack’s laughter echo as he left the office and went down to the archives. Time to do retcon research.

His search proved fruitful. As long as he planned the right story to be whispered in his ear, he could forget Torchwood but not Lisa—especially as he’d met Lisa before he found out about Torchwood.

He didn’t hear Jack come up behind him “Gwen’s here, you wanna come up?”

Ianto froze and didn’t have time to hide what he was looking at.

Jack saw it “Why are you looking up the long term effects of retcon?”

Ianto took a breath and turned to face him “Just an option I’m considering.”

“Why?”

“I can’t stay in this job Jack. I think you know that. But you know what; I am in too much pain to think clearly right now so let’s wait till I’m less sunburned.” His eyes stung “Will you put some aloe on me please and keep Gwen from hugging me ‘cos you know she’s like a bear sometimes and I need some more coffee.”

Jack gently took him in his arms “We’ll talk about this later okay.”

Ianto nodded and buried his face in Jack’s neck.

…

They hadn’t been able to talk that day, there was a Rift alert and then Ianto had to get home to Branwen and Ceinwen. Once they were in bed and asleep, he went through his diary, looking for reasons why continuing his “relationship” with Jack would be unwise and unhealthy. He found them, especially in the entry after Rhys found out about Torchwood.

_Jack had just brushed past me, taking back his water, into his office without so much as a sideways glance. I leaned back against the wall with a heavy sigh, well maybe not a heavy sigh but it would have been had no one been around to hear it._

_Why does Jack give in so easily to Gwen? Why am I even asking? I know why. It’s obvious. Jack practically confessed, right there in front of us all when he implied he couldn’t live without Gwen in Torchwood, in his life. So if it’s her he wants, then what the hell is he doing with me?_

_I’d have to ask him. Of course, I’d have to gather up the courage. But then if I do bring this up with him, (a) would he answer? (b) would he ignore me and pretend it never happened? (c) and worst of all would he stop sleeping with me?_

_Of course I know it’s unhealthy, emotionally sleeping with him if he doesn’t love me as I love him but the man is addicting. And there it is, I love Jack. I am in love with Jack. What the hell?_

_Maybe my fears are unfounded. Maybe he doesn’t want her that way. Could be I’m imagining things. Could be Jack thinks we all belong to him and doesn’t fancy sharing us with anyone. He did ask me on a date after all (which we still haven’t gone on) but I’m fairly certain that was after he found out Gwen was engaged. Could be he’s settling for me, I’m his second choice. That’s a depressing thought._

_Of course, he was looking at me when he said ‘I came back for you’ but then I thought I saw his eyes flick to her. Oh my God, I’m referring to Gwen as ‘her’ now. That’s not right. She’s my friend. I shouldn’t be jealous and yet I am. I saw Jack first and I can’t believe I just went there. I have no right to go there, considering when I first saw Jack I had ulterior motives which are still a very touchy subject for all involved._

_I should talk to Jack. I need to know where I stand. I’m sorry Jack but that’s just how the 21 st century works. _

_But before I do I have to do some more thinking. Because if I went to him right now, he’d probably laugh or distract me with sex or else swish out and find a rooftop somewhere. He’d probably say something like ‘can’t you be happy with what we have?’ I suppose I should because I know how he is but that’s not how I am. I’m not opposed to sharing him I guess, if he feels he needs it. I wouldn’t like it but I wouldn’t say anything. Gwen would though, the hypocrite. And there I go again, sounding like some jealous little school girl. What’s wrong with me?_

_…_

Ianto shut the diary. He would have to talk to Jack about this and if Jack didn’t tell him what he wanted to hear…well then, that would be that.

He started to make the arrangements anyway, in the likely event Jack wouldn’t say the right words.

…

For three weeks, Jack and Ianto didn’t find time to talk. Well, actually Jack avoided it. He didn’t want to think about the possibility he could lose Ianto. He saw why Ianto might want to quit Torchwood, it made sense; Torchwood, even if Ianto never went into the field again, was too dangerous for a single father. But Jack didn’t think retcon was necessary. He could trust Ianto not to say anything. And anyway, there was no reason they had to end their relationship. It would be nice to have someone outside of Torchwood.

Gwen came into his office “Has Ianto talked to you? He’s being more distant than usual.”

Jack sighed; couldn’t she knock once in a while? “He’s just trying to figure things out. He’s a single dad now, got other things on his mind.”

“I know that. But he should know he can talk to us. Why hasn’t he introduced us to his daughters?”

“I don’t think he wants them anywhere near Torchwood.”

“Well I know that but they don’t have to know any more than that we work with their dad.”

“I know but I don’t think he wants them to know us. You know how private he is. He wants to keep his work and family separate” something you failed at, Jack added silently.

“But…”

Ianto knocked on the open office door.

“Come in Ianto” Jack waved him in.

Ianto did so, there was a file under his arm “Sir, may I speak with you privately?”

“Of course. Gwen.”

Gwen sighed and left the office.

Ianto closed the door behind her and approached the desk. He handed Jack the file “My resignation, sir.”

Jack was afraid of that. “Ianto, I understand. If that’s what you want…”

“And I will be taking retcon.”

“What? That’s not necessary, I trust you.”

Ianto sat down “I appreciate that Jack but I can’t keep doing this. I can’t just quit and remember. I have to move on. I’m leaving Cardiff.”

Jack blinked “What?”

Ianto sighed deeply “Jack, it’s protocol that I take retcon, you know that.”

“But that’s four years of your life.”

“I know, but as long as the story I’ve thought up is whispered in my ear just after the retcon takes effect, those four years will not be completely blank.”

“I know how it works Ianto. But…did you say you’re leaving Cardiff?”

“I have to.”

“Why?”

“Bloody Rift, Jack, I don’t want my girls near it. And I cannot live a new life if I stay here.”

“But Ianto…”

“Jack please” his blue eyes shone with unshed tears, it was obvious he was saying things that were hurting him as much as they were hurting Jack “I’m not just quitting Torchwood, I’m quitting you. Whatever this is we have, it has to end.”

Jack stared at him, feeling as if the floor was dropping from underneath him “Why? I don’t see why it should. You can quit Torchwood and we can still…”

“No Jack, we can’t. There are things my girls need, that I need that you cannot give us.”

“I can give you those things.”

Ianto shook his head and stood “It wouldn’t be real. We both know it’s not me you really want.”

And there went the floor along with the rest of the world.

“Ianto, I…”

“If you’ll excuse me sir, all my reasons are in that folder. Read them and get back to me. I have some more arrangements to make.”

Once he left the office, Gwen came back in “What was that about?”

Jack stood up “I need some air.”

…

For three more weeks Jack had put off going through with Ianto’s plans, giving him more time to get everything in order he said. Ianto finally had enough and told him that if he didn’t administer the retcon then he would do it himself.

Ianto’s stomach churned with nerves as he got Branwen and Ceinwen ready for bed. Jack would be there in a couple of hours to administer the retcon. His heart had absolutely no desire to forget Jack and Torchwood, Tosh, Myfanwy, Gwen and even Owen. The dinosaur was not happy once she sussed out that Ianto was leaving. Janet the Weevil didn’t seem too happy either.

His heart didn’t want to forget but his head argued it was for the best, forgetting Jack was the only way to move on. Loving Jack after all would be the death of him, he was sure of it. So he decided to listen to his head, especially when taken into consideration the mess that happened the last time he listened to his heart. He shuddered at the memory.

“Are you okay, Tad?” Branwen asked.

“Huh? Oh, sure” he tucked the girls into their beds.

“Are you nervous?” Ceinwen asked.

“Maybe a little” he admitted “we’ve got a big day tomorrow.” He’d already made all the arrangements, leaving out anything to do with Torchwood. He was taking his daughters to San Diego, somewhere that was as far removed from Cardiff as possible. Devin had found them an apartment and would meet them there to help them settle. Randy’s brother Jason was in San Diego too. Ianto likely wouldn’t remember meeting him and he hoped Devin had told him the cover story of Ianto hitting his head and getting slight amnesia.

Jason was a divorce attorney in San Diego. He’d flirted with Ianto and Ianto wasn’t sure how he felt about that. He saw Jason as a friend at the very least because Ianto was fairly certain he was only gay for Jack—at least that’s what he’d kept telling himself since meeting Jason. But maybe he really was just blinded by the immortal captain and everyone else disappeared whenever Ianto looked at him.

And that’s why, his head argued he needed to forget, besides his head also reasoned he deserved someone who could love him, who could grow old with him.

Fortunately, one of the girls spoke up before his heart could start another tantrum.

“Why are we leaving all the furniture, Tad?” it was Ceinwen. They were identical and Ianto wondered just how he could tell them apart.

“Because we’re going to get new stuff in San Diego.”

“What about your coffee maker?” asked Branwen.

“We have to get a new one of those too” Ianto told them “they’ve got different cords and things in America. I told your Auntie Rhi she can have what we leave behind. Now time for bed.”

“Tell us a story Tad” they said, looking up at him with bright blue eyes.

He sighed “We’ve got a lot to do tomorrow. You need your sleep.”

“Please.”

Ianto’s a sucker, he realised as he gives in way too easily to those two “All right. What kind of story?”

“A fairy tale.”

“Which one?”

“Make one up.”

“What about?”

Branwen said “A handsome prince” and Ceinwen said “A knight in shining armour.”

“All right let me think.” The idea came to him right away. The twins were pretty open-minded as they both thought he was gay and were okay with it. It was worth a shot. “Once upon a time there was a handsome prince who spent all his time saving people.”

“What’s his name?” they asked.

“Jack,” Ianto smiled “his name was Jack. Prince Jack was the kingdom’s greatest hero. He helped anyone who needed it but nobody ever saved him till one night. Prince Jack was in the park fighting a vicious…ghoul and he wasn’t doing very well. The ghoul knocked him down and was about to bite him when he was saved by a shining knight. The knight got the ghoul away from Jack and Jack was able to get to his feet. It was Jack who finally beat the ghoul but if it hadn’t been for that knight…The knight was captivated by the handsome prince, completely enchanted, never before had he seen anyone like him. And when the knight lifted his visor, Prince Jack was just as captivated.”

“Can the knight’s name be Ianto?” Branwen asked with a yawn “’Cos you’re like a knight, Tad.”

Ianto smiled “Yes, the knight was Sir Ianto the Loyal…and well dressed” he added as an afterthought. ‘Thanks,’ Sir Ianto said. ‘No thank you’ said Prince Jack. Jack was quite pleased that he was saved by a shining knight for a change. They introduced themselves and became great friends. Prince Jack still fought the forces of evil but every time he got into trouble, Sir Ianto was there to save him. You see, Sir Ianto had fallen in love with the handsome prince, completely in love. He saw Jack as his true love but he was afraid that Jack could not love him in return. For it seemed that Jack fancied the Lady Gwen and Lady Gwen loved Jack. But Jack never pursued her, it was Ianto he spent his time with. Still Ianto was afraid, his feelings for Jack were so strong he could not bear the thought of having his heart broken so he did not tell Jack of his feelings, afraid of being turned away.”

“Tad,” Ceinwen said “is this going to end happily ever after?”

Ianto sighed “It’s not looking that way is it? I’m sorry.”

“What’s the point then?”

Ianto blinked and remembered his daughters were now eight “Best I can do on short notice. Remind me to think of a better one tomorrow.”

“Doesn’t Prince Jack love Sir Ianto?’ Branwen asked.

“I don’t know, sweetie.”

“Well then Prince Jack is an idiot. Sir Ianto saves him all the time. What does Lady Gwen do?”

Ianto thought for a moment, that was a good question. “Mostly stands there and looks cute. Sometimes she talks to people, looks for things.”

“But does she ever save Prince Jack from monsters?”

Again Ianto had to think “Not that I…uh, Sir Ianto ever saw.”

“Then Sir Ianto is the better choice” Ceinwen said in such a tone that Ianto wanted to believe her “What does Lady Gwen have that Sir Ianto doesn’t?”

“Boobies” Branwen deadpanned. The girls giggled and even Ianto smiled.

“That’s the thing about Jack, he can’t make up his mind. Now, it really is time for bed.”

“That was a sucky story, Tad” Ceinwen said “You need to think of a better one.”

“I’ll try” he kissed them both “Nos da, sweeties.”

“Nos da, Tad” they said.

Ianto went into the kitchen and put some coffee beans into the grinder. Jack deserved one last cup of ‘Ianto coffee’. As he stood there, blending the beans he realised that he needed to let Jack know how he felt but he couldn’t do that to his face. He decided to write a letter.

He paused at the salutation and then it came to him. It was girly and sappy but what the hell, why not? ‘My handsome prince,’ he wrote. He signed it, ‘Love, your stalwart knight.’

His cheeks and eyes were stinging violently by the time he was finished writing. He folded up the papers and put them in an envelope. He wrote Jack’s name and taped it to the coffee maker.

Finally, just as the coffee pot began to fill, there was a knock on the front door. Ianto went to it, stared for a moment and composed himself before opening the door.

Jack stood there hands in pockets, face pale “I don’t suppose there’s any point in trying to talk you out of this?” his voice was unusually hollow.

Ianto stepped aside to let him in “There’s not” he said but he thought, _not unless you tell me what I want to hear._

Jack stepped inside and sniffed “you shouldn’t have any caffeine right now.”

“It’s not for me” Ianto shut the door “I thought you might like one last cup before…”

Jack nodded “Sure.”

“Have a seat” Ianto indicated the couch and went back into the kitchen.

He took a deep breath, poured a coffee for Jack and a glass of lemon lime soda for himself. He found Jack sitting on the couch, hands folded in his lap, staring into space. Ianto set the drinks on the coffee table and sat next to Jack.

Jack sighed deeply “I take it that this” he waved a hand to a typed piece of paper on the table “is what you want me to say when” he put a hand in his pocket and pulled out a small bottle. He set it on the table.

_I want you to tell me that you love me._ Ianto swallowed “Yes” he said “all typed up. Make sure to take it with you when…”

“I know how to retcon people, Ianto” Jack’s voice came out harshly.

Ianto flinched but said “You sure? It’s been awhile since you’ve done it yourself.”

Jack sighed and picked up his coffee “It’ll be like riding a bicycle” he took a sip and for a moment his features relaxed “heaven” he murmured into the mug.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you ride a bicycle” Ianto said.

Jack set the mug down and finally looked at him “Ianto, are you sure you’ve thought this through?”

“Yes Jack,” Ianto met his eyes “I’ve thought it through.”

Jack took hold of his hands “Ianto, I understand you leaving Torchwood and I support it. But do you have to leave Cardiff, forget?”

Ianto looked deep into his eyes, trying to will him to understand, hear his thoughts. _Tell me you love me and I’ll stay. Tell me you love me and you’ll stay with me. Tell me and I’ll stay. Tell me._ He took a breath “It’s the only way I can move on. We’ve been through this, besides it’s protocol.”

“But we can still have…”

_Not unless you tell me you love. Tell me you love me_. “Jack,” Ianto said “please. Finish your coffee, put the retcon in my soda and hold me till I fall asleep.”

Jack sighed, clearly acknowledging defeat “If you’re sure…”

“I’m sure” Ianto spoke more firmly than he meant it. _Tell me you love me, make me believe it._

Jack picked up his coffee “You do know how much I have to give you to cover everything, right?”

“Yes, Jack I know.”

“You know the risks, right? Possible side effects? You might have nightmares you won’t remember…”

Ianto sighed “Jack, whom have you trusted to administer the retcon? I know the risks and I’m willing to take them.”

“Okay” finally Jack stopped arguing. He drank his coffee slowly, obviously prolonging the inevitable.

Ianto couldn’t take it anymore; he opened the retcon bottle and put the pills into his soda himself. If only Jack would understand.

Jack sighed and set down his mug, coffee finished. “I’ll wash this before I leave.”

“Thank you” Ianto stirred the soda with his finger to help dissolve the pills.

Jack took hold of his wrist “One last kiss?”

Ianto nodded and Jack’s lips were on his. Ianto wrapped his arms around him and kissed him back with fervour, kissed him like tomorrow would never come. And in a way, it wouldn’t. Jack was kissing him with just as much passion, if only he would just say the right words.

When they stopped for air they rested their foreheads against each other. Ianto waited several seconds, hoping Jack would get the message before pushing him away. “It’s time I think” he picked up his glass of soda. “Is there anything else we need to discuss before…” he trailed off. _Come on Jack, this is your last chance._

“I think we covered everything” Jack said, eyes downcast “Myfanwy prefers dark chocolate and likes attention.”

“Right” Ianto nodded, waited a few more seconds, kissed Jack’s cheek, said “Thank you” and drank the soda. The drug started to take effect immediately. Ianto sagged against the couch and then he was in Jack’s arms.

…

The next morning Ianto was irritated at having fallen asleep on the couch—it was not comfortable to sleep on. He was also irritated because he couldn’t figure out where that delightful smell in the cushions had come from and he had the strangest feeling he’d forgotten something but for the life of him he couldn’t think what.

Oh well, there was nothing for it. He and the girls had a train to catch. But why were they moving to San Diego?

Ah, it must be that concussion, which he didn’t remember getting but he knew it happened and that was fairly common with head injuries. Whatever, time to wake the girls.


	6. Chapter Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was morning when Jack found himself in the kitchen when he pulled out of his thoughts. Why did Ianto want to forget what they had? Okay, so they never actually addressed what they had and maybe Jack had been trying to ignore Ianto’s feelings for him. And maybe Jack was being oblivious to his own feelings because he was afraid to deal with them. Still, why did Ianto insist on forgetting his love for Jack? Why was Ianto being so selfish?

He was perfectly calm till he returned to the Hub and he slammed his office door so hard it fell off its hinges. He took off his coat and threw it across the room. He didn’t think he’d feel like wearing it for a while because it would just remind him of Ianto. Ianto liked that coat. Jack kicked at his desk, how could Ianto do this? Choose the easy way out? How could he just forget? Jack slumped against the wall, feeling drained. How had this all come to be? Did it start when Ianto’s baby mama died? No, it was before that. It was when Jack found out that Ianto was a father.

The year before…                                                                                                                         

It was a slow day in the Hub, the Rift was quiet and not even a weevil had been spotted. Gwen, Tosh and even Owen were catching up on paper work. It was very disconcerting but there was nothing to autopsy. Jack checked his watch; it was almost time for Ianto to be in the kitchen fixing some more coffee.

Jack got up from his desk and stretched. Maybe he could convince Ianto to join him for a little afternoon delight in the archives. It was Wednesday after all. He made his way down to the archives with an intentional wolfish grin. He wanted to intercept Ianto before he went up to the kitchen. Before he rounded a corner of filing cabinets though, he stopped as he heard Ianto’s voice. There was something different about it, softer, sweeter.

“I’m really sorry I missed your birthday, sweeties” Ianto was saying “I really wanted to be there but work got in the way.”

Jack cringed, almost hearing the unspoken ‘My boss seduced me and I couldn’t say no’. After all, things had been quiet since those two days they were all missing. Maybe that’s what Ianto meant; maybe that’s why he didn’t make it to this party. But who the hell was he talking to?

“Did you get the flowers I sent?” Ianto continued “I’ll give you your presents when I see you. I think I can get tomorrow off. We can go to dinner. Where would…” he chuckled lightly “if you two would come to some sort of agreement by tomorrow that would be nice. Thank you.”

Jack’s brows furrowed, Ianto was talking to two people? But who?

“Branwen, Ceinwen, be good, yeah? I might just take you to see the ponies tomorrow…” he sighed “if you could not scream in my ear…yes, I’ll call after I talk to my boss. Let your mam know. I love you both.”

When Jack heard the phone click, he silently backed up out of the archives. If Ianto caught him eavesdropping, he wouldn’t get any for a week. For that reason, he couldn’t ask Ianto who he was talking to. Jack would have to find out another way.

He composed himself and waited till Ianto was up in the kitchen. He made his way up there, loudly this time “Ianto!” he called in his ‘I’m in the mood’ voice “Oh Ianto!” he entered the kitchen area to find Ianto setting mugs on a tray. “I was hoping to find you here.”

Ianto gave him a cute smile “Well, it is coffee time” his voice was normal now and there was no indication he’d been talking to anyone. He bit his lip for a moment “I was just coming to see you actually.”

“Oh?” Jack gave him a lusty grin “is that so?”

Ianto’s hands were clasped behind his back and his cheeks were tinged with red—Jack had to wonder if that was genuine or an act. “I was wondering if it’d be all right that I took tomorrow off? My sister asked to see me.”

Liar, Jack thought, damn good liar but a liar nonetheless. Jack knew Ianto’s sister’s kids were called David and Mica—that hadn’t been who he was talking to. Jack nodded anyway “I think we can survive a day without you—if we try” he added with a wink. He clapped a hand on Ianto’s shoulder “go ahead, you haven’t taken a day in a while.”

“Thanks Jack” after a moment’s obvious hesitation, Ianto kissed him.

Jack turned it into a deeper kiss, pressing against Ianto making it clear what he wanted. Still he whispered “Up for some afternoon delight?”

“Sure,” Ianto squeaked and he pulled away from him “let me just hand out the coffee and I’ll meet you in the archives” he filled up Jack’s mug and handed it to him.

Jack took it with a grin “Don’t be long.”

…

Maybe it wasn’t right and maybe it was usually Ianto who did the spying and following—he was better at it but Jack had to know.

So the next morning Jack tracked Ianto’s car to a modest house just outside the city. He pulled up just as Ianto was leaving the house with a little girl holding on to each hand. They were clearly twins, maybe around seven years old.

Jack was in a car that no one, not even Ianto should know he had. Still he ducked down, just in case. But a woman in a UNIT uniform leaving the house and kissing each girl on the cheek caused Jack to sit up again. Ianto was the only one who caught the sudden movement. Oops. Jack really needed to work on this stealth thing.

The glare Ianto shot him made Jack feel like a husband caught cheating—even though Ianto was the one who’d been lying. Ianto then sighed, released his hold on the girls, said something to the woman and then stalked over to Jack. Jack opened his mouth but Ianto held up a hand.

“I don’t want to hear it. They were born when I was eighteen. I didn’t tell you because you didn’t ask and quite frankly, I didn’t want the others to know. Their mother is in UNIT and yes, she knows what I do and who you are. We will talk about it later” he tugged at his suit jacket “now, if you’ll excuse me sir, I believe you gave me the day off.” The use of the word ‘sir’ and the look that went along with it told Jack he would definitely not be getting any for an indefinite amount of time.

Ianto went back over to his daughters. His daughters? Oh God. Jack put his head down on the steering wheel. Why didn’t he know about this?

It was some time after he heard Ianto’s car pull away that he dared put his head back up. The UNIT woman was getting into her own car—she clearly had no interest in talking to him. Just as well Jack thought and he turned the ignition, it would probably make things worse.

…

Around eight that night, after the others went home, the cog alarm sounded and then Ianto stormed, no, not stormed—Ianto doesn’t storm—Ianto drizzled into his office. He stood in front of Jack’s desk and looked down at him, hands on his hips.

“You heard me on the phone, yesterday, didn’t you” It wasn’t a question.

“Yes” Jack nodded “I didn’t mean to upset you. I was curious.”

“You could have asked. How hard is it to say ‘Hey, Ianto, I didn’t mean to hear you on the phone just now but is there something I need to know?’ I thought you trusted me now.”

Jack sighed heavily “I trust you not to put the team in danger again” he mentally slapped himself. That was a low blow and it came out harsher than intended.

Ianto flinched, the blow had stung “but you don’t trust me with anything else?”

Jack rubbed his temples “I didn’t mean it like that, Ianto. I know you’re a private person, you avoid talking about your family whenever possible. I get that, you know I get that. But I thought if I asked you would have made something up like you did when you asked me for the day off. You said your sister wanted to see you.”

Ianto sank into a chair, visibly deflated “I’m sorry I said that, I shouldn’t have but you don’t know I would have lied had you asked me who I was talking to.”

Jack sighed again, stood up and moved to the other side of his desk “You’re right, I should have asked” he sat on his desk “but why didn’t you tell me? I think this is something I should know.”

Ianto looked up at him, young eyes far too weary “why?”

“So I don’t put you in the field so often,” Jack said honestly “I would hate for those two cuties to lose their daddy.”

Ianto clasped his hands in his lap and looked down at them “So would I,” and in a rare moment of sharing something personal he said “every day, I realise just how much I love those girls.” He looked back up at Jack “I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to be treated any differently. Besides I thought you would have figured it out on your own, just not the way you did.”

“I am sorry I found out that way but what’s done is done. Are we okay?”

“You’re not angry with me?”

Jack hopped off his desk and put a hand on Ianto’s shoulder “I haven’t exactly been honest about my younger days myself so I have no right to be angry with you.”

Ianto put a hand over his and met his eyes “Then I guess we’re okay. I can’t stay mad at you…for some bizarre reason.”

Jack grinned and placed a kiss on Ianto’s head “Must be my impeccable charm.”

Ianto rolled his eyes “Yes that must be it.”

Jack laughed and plopped himself in Ianto’s lap “So you gonna tell me how those cuties came into being?”

And with a completely straight face, Ianto said “Jack, didn’t your father teach you about the birds and the bees?”

Jack flicked him “You know what I mean.”

“My father taught me and I was surprised that I was still interested in girls.”

“Ianto,” Jack sighed and rested his head on Ianto’s.

“And I don’t think I’ll ever be interested again, thank you very much.”

“Why’s that?” Jack asked, moving his mouth to Ianto’s neck.

“Once you go Jack you can never go back.”

Jack chuckled “Truer words were never spoken,” he started to suck.

Ianto moaned “Jack, can we move to the couch? You’re not exactly light you know.”

Jack stopped sucking and looked at him, “Are you calling me fat?”

“No. You have thicker bones than I do, therefore, you weigh more.”

“Are you saying I have a thick skull?”

After a moment Ianto nodded “Yes” but his eyes sparkled. “I’m also asking because my legs are falling asleep.”

“Oh” Jack stood “why didn’t you say so?”

“I enjoy teasing you.”

They moved to the couch after Ianto had gotten some coffee.

“So,” Jack said “How did Jones, Ianto Jones become a dad?”

Ianto took a breath “Can I ask you something first?”

Jack had a feeling of what he meant “Yes, I’ve had children” and he left it at that.

Ianto picked up on his tone, “Okay. I was seventeen and Cara was twenty-three…”

….

It was morning when Jack found himself in the kitchen when he pulled out of his thoughts. Why did Ianto want to forget what they had? Okay, so they never actually addressed what they had and maybe Jack had been trying to ignore Ianto’s feelings for him. And maybe Jack was being oblivious to his own feelings because he was afraid to deal with them. Still, why did Ianto insist on forgetting his love for Jack? Why was Ianto being so selfish?

_He’s being the selfish one?_

Jack glared at the coffee machine, as if it were the one who just put that thought in his head and knowing he would regret it later—but right now he didn’t care—he shot it. Until his gun was empty.

He didn’t hear the running footsteps.

“Jack, Jack, what are you doing?”

Jack didn’t answer, didn’t want to look at her. Ianto’s words when he told Jack he was leaving came back to haunt him. “We both know it’s not me you really want.” The implication was clear. Jack was no fool. How could Ianto think that? _What_ made Ianto think that? Why did everyone think his damn flirting was serious?

“Jack, why did you do that?” it was a different voice now, English.

Jack could look at her. Ianto had convinced Martha and Mickey to help out till Jack was able to find more people to hire. After all, as Ianto pointed out, it couldn’t be just Jack and Gwen. Especially since Gwen was a married woman and liable to get pregnant at some point.

“It was evil” he said finally, voice sounding miles away even to himself.

“Jack, this isn’t like you,” Gwen said “I know you’re upset about Ianto…”

Jack pushed past them, out of the kitchen; he was not in the mood to listen to Welsh vowels right now. As he didn’t want to say this to Gwen he continued to ignore her. They were following him, he knew that. Well Gwen and Martha were. Mickey it seemed knew when to back off. Martha should know too but maybe she was only following so Jack wouldn’t bite Gwen’s head off.

He stepped on the lift “I’d rather be alone right now. Call me if the world starts ending.”

He made his way to a building near the train station and watched. A train was leaving for London and Jack knew that was the train Ianto and his daughters were on. From London they would get on a plane to America. He was moving to California, a new life required a new location in his opinion. Jack watched the train till he couldn’t see it anymore. He stood on that rooftop till well after the train would have arrived in London.

He felt someone stand next to him “Never thought I’d see it.”

For the briefest of milliseconds, it sounded like Owen but it wasn’t Owen, couldn’t be Owen. Besides, while both Cockney, they didn’t sound alike.

“What do you want Mickey?” Jack’s voice was hoarse and dry. He hadn’t drunk anything since…he still tasted the coffee.

“You love him, don’t you?”

“What makes you say that?” Jack looked at him; he was a far cry from the goofy kid Jack had met all those years ago.

Mickey shrugged and then seemed to change the subject “When Rose first left me, I stood staring at the spot she disappeared for hours and then I went back there every day, waiting, hoping she’d come back.”

“Tell me what this has to do with me.”

But he continued “The police started questioning me. They wanted to arrest me, couldn’t prove anything but they wanted to arrest me anyway. Get the case closed I guess. But they didn’t. For the longest time I wondered what changed their minds.”

“You’re welcome” Jack said, meaning to be short but there was no energy behind it. “What Mickey did all that have to do with all this?” he waved a hand in the direction the train had gone.

Mickey sighed “Rose fell in love with the Doctor.”

“Everyone does,” Jack huffed.

“Yeah and you got that same thing about you Jack; this uncanny ability to make people fall in love with you. Gwen’s in love with you, I can see it.”

“Where are you going with this?”

“Ianto was in love with you but saw it was getting him nowhere so he decided to get out. That’s why Martha left the Doctor, you know that.”

“I don’t mean for people to fall in love with me. I don’t even want it anymore. What’s the point?” he walked away, not wanting to take part in this conversation.

When he got back to the Hub, he ignored the worried stares of the girls. He found an axe. Screw being heart broken. He chopped that coffee machine into smithereens. Anger was a much easier emotion to deal with. And he’d drink soda next time he wanted a caffeine boost.


	7. Chapter Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ianto blushed, Jason was always flirting with him and if he was honest, Ianto quite liked it. Jason was very hot. It was weird, Ianto had a feeling he’d experimented with other men or at least one but he couldn’t remember, couldn’t quite see through the fuzzy memories. The colour blue often evoked these feelings so maybe whoever he dabbled with liked blue.

One month later…

Ianto and his daughters’ new flat—apartment rather was in San Diego’s East County, the city of El Cajon; it was less expensive than the main city. Even with the money Cara left him and his own savings he knew he needed to be careful, so Devin had found a place for him that was not only decently priced but in a good neighbourhood—which was apparently a rare combination in El Cajon.

Ianto had even researched it himself—at least he was fairly certain he had, he couldn’t quite remember due to that concussion. The last four years were a little fuzzy and blank in some places but he couldn’t think about it as it gave him a headache and made him feel sick.

He had just accepted a job offer of office assistant that paid 18 dollars an hour, decent pay for El Cajon but he certainly couldn’t live in San Diego proper on that, not with two children. Hell, even on $18 it will be tough but he needed the job. It would do for now, till he found something better.

The twins were doing well, they each had nightmares occasionally about their mother’s death, but they liked their new school and had even made new friends already.

It was still pretty hectic for Ianto though, a nice respite in the mad days of adjusting to a new country was meeting Jason for coffee twice a week. He knew he’d met Jason in Texas though he couldn’t remember exactly—he was certain sunscreen was involved though.

“Did you take the job?” Jason asked once they had their coffee and muffins in front of them.

Ianto nodded “I did though I think she hired me purely for my accent.”

Jason smiled “The good looks help too.”

Ianto blushed, Jason was always flirting with him and if he was honest, Ianto quite liked it. Jason was very hot. It was weird, Ianto had a feeling he’d experimented with other men or at least one but he couldn’t remember, couldn’t quite see through the fuzzy memories. The colour blue often evoked these feelings so maybe whoever he dabbled with liked blue.

Branwen and Ceinwen already thought he was gay and wouldn’t mind if he started dating Jason—in fact they wanted him to—if Jason was genuinely interested that is.

Ianto smiled “You keep flirting with me Jason, are you ever going to ask me out?”

Jason grinned “When are you free?”

“As it happens, the girls were invited to a sleepover next Friday.”

“It’s a date.”

…

The girls were getting ready for their sleepover and Ianto was watching the time. He had just enough to take them to their friend’s house and then get back and get ready himself. He wouldn’t wear a suit because Jason assured him it wasn’t required.

“Where’s Jason taking you Tad?” Branwen asked.

“Some restaurant in Hillcrest and then dancing I think.”

“Are you gonna kiss him?” Ceinwen asked with a sly smile that shouldn’t belong on an eight year old.

Ianto sighed and looked at his daughters “If I do I won’t say because a gentleman doesn’t kiss and tell.”

They giggled “You are! You are!”

Ianto rolled his eyes “Come on, let’s go, you want to be in time for pizza don’t you?”

…

Ianto couldn’t believe this, he was making out in the men’s room of a gay bar on his first date. At least it was with Jason.

They pulled apart for air and when the door opened.

Jason was smiling “You doing okay?”

Ianto took a breath “Oh yeah, just my jeans weren’t as tight when I put them on this evening.”

Jason laughed “Ditto.”

It might be bad form to have sex on the first date, but it’s not like Jason was a total stranger and besides Ianto really wanted him. He didn’t think there was any other way to get rid of his erection. He rubbed his nose against Jason’s “Wanna go someplace a little less public?”

There was desire in Jason’s brown eyes “Only if you do.”

“Oh I do.”

…

 

Anger had helped for a while, Jack took it out on the shooting range and weevil hunts. He also didn’t talk to anyone unless it was to give orders and he avoided Gwen at all costs.

Jack still hadn’t read that letter Ianto had left him—it was still in his coat which was still crumpled on the floor—but Ianto had left his diary in the Hub and Jack read it more thoroughly than the last time.

When he was finished he threw it across the room, not caring where it ended up. Ianto had actually thought Jack was in love with Gwen. Why the hell did people think that? If he ever was, he sure as hell wasn’t anymore. Why didn’t Ianto talk to him about this?

Jack sighed angrily, he said why in his diary, he thought Jack would just brush him off. The thing that was really making Jack angry was that he knew he should have done things differently with Ianto, with all of them. One of Ianto’s entries when Jack was away was particularly haunting:

_Tosh, Owen and I were talking today after Gwen had gone. Why did Jack trust her with his secret when he’d only just met her? Why not tell the rest of us? Okay, I’m not one to talk because I was hiding something too but why not Tosh and Owen? They’ve known him longer. I heard rumours at Canary Wharf but I never knew to believe them or not. It was a shock when I saw that it was true. I admit, I was hurt, so were Tosh and Owen that Jack didn’t trust us enough with this. Owen grumbled “Why the fuck trust the newbie?” he also pointed out that Jack always talked to her, and always “fucking listened to her” like he did with the cannibals. He told me stuff sometimes, not deep dark secrets and in bed but I wasn’t about to tell that to Tosh and Owen._

Jack kicked at his desk, why had he trusted Gwen and not the others? He should have had more faith in his team. But he was waiting for the Doctor, thought he’d finally leave this godforsaken little backwater planet so he didn’t see the point of sharing his secret after he got command of Torchwood 3. So then why did he let Gwen know? He could have retconned her again or told her she didn’t see what she thought she saw.

He needed some air. He stormed out of his office and to the lift, ignoring the others. But he stopped when his eyes fell on a picture of Tosh and Owen Gwen kept at her desk.

He almost heard Owen say “Maybe things would be better if you hadn’t hired little Miss heart-on-my-sleeve Cooper.”

Jack glared at the photo “Like you could talk” he growled aloud without thinking “at least I never slept with her!” with that he got on the lift and ignored the three shocked faces.

…

Mickey followed him again “Jack, if you wanna talk, I’ll listen.”

Jack sighed and sat down, legs hanging over the roof ledge. “Reason you followed me?”

Mickey sat next to him “Gwen’s a bit miffed for some reason, also hurt that you haven’t been talking to her.”

“I don’t want to talk to her.”

“Apparently you usually do.”

“She’s the reason Ianto left me.”

“Is she?”

“Well one of them. I told Gwen when I hired her that I couldn’t die because she saw me die and wake up. I didn’t tell the others. I read in Ianto’s diary that they were hurt when they found out.”

“So that’s it.”

“What is?”

“Gwen thought she was special, that’s why she fell in love with you.”

Jack stared at him “When did you get this perceptive?”

Mickey gave him a smile “Always been just never practised much before.”

After a minute Mickey said “Ianto confided in me a little before he left. Said he’d always love you and that’s why he had to forget, felt it was unhealthy loving you if you didn’t feel the same.”

“Should I just cut myself and hand you a salt shaker?”

“That’s not what I’m trying to do Jack.”

Jack looked away “I just needed more time.”

“Ianto couldn’t wait. He needed to think about his daughters. You might have been able to wait for him but he couldn’t wait for you.”

Jack felt tears come, tears he’d refused to shed for more than a month now “I know. I was such a blind and stupid fool.”

“Least you can admit it. Look Jack, the best thing you can do right now is to stop being so angry. Ianto wouldn’t want that. You’re not acting like the man he fell in love with.”

Finally the floodgates opened and Jack cried, sobbed like he hadn’t before. “I don’t want to be that man if he’s not here to love me.”

…

“Jack” Gwen barged into his office the next day when she got in “What the hell is wrong with you?”

He regarded her coolly “Isn’t it obvious? Aren’t you supposed to be the humanitarian of the group? The one who can read human emotions and remind us what it’s like out there?” Jack had been going over his captain’s logs from when he first hired her and her employee sheet.

Gwen took a breath “I know you’re missing Ianto, that’s not what I meant. What was that about yesterday before you swanned off? And anyway, he’s been gone over a month, you should be over it by now.”

Jack glared at her “My random outbursts are nothing of your concern Mrs Williams.”

Gwen blinked “What did you call me?”

“That’s your name isn’t it? You are married after all. You wanted to marry him even though you’ve cheated on him” Jack knew he was probably upsetting her further but he didn’t care.

“Why are you bringing that up?”

Jack stood “For the human factor of the group you can be a real bitch sometimes you know that?”

“How dare you?”

“You think I don’t know what you did with that retcon last year when we dealt with the weevil fight club? My guess is you confessed to Rhys you cheated on him and you retconned him. And you only stayed with him because I told you not to let your life drift.”

She was trying to remain calm “Jack, you have no right to take your anger out on me. If you wanted Ianto to stay you should have made him.”

“I don’t recall you giving me that advice when it mattered. You supported his decision. Because you want me to yourself, I’m not completely blind. He meant everything to me and I didn’t realise it till it was too late. You’re the reason he left, thought I was in love with you too. I’m not. I am never going to come in on a white charger and steal you from Rhys so, Mrs Williams I ask you to stop staring at me like I’m the fucking god of love. Now get out of my office.”

Gwen was pale and her eyes glistened. Jack had hurt her, he knew that and it felt good. He didn’t want to be the only one hurting. She left the room without a word.

“And knock next time!” he called after her.

…

 

“I think she’ll be all right” Martha told Mickey when she got back from taking Gwen home—the Welshwoman had been in no state to drive “told her to take a few days, let Jack calm down. I told Rhys to keep an eye on her, said Jack was lashing out at everyone without going into details.”

Mickey nodded “Good, he’s not come out of his office and according to the gunshot I heard, he’s killed himself at least once.” He took a breath “You talk to him this time, he likes you better.”

“He’s known you longer and you’ve got Rose in common.”

“I don’t know if now’s a good time to invoke her name.”

“I could call the Doctor.”

Mickey shook his head “I think that might only make things worse. If he’s not better in another month or so, then maybe. All right, we’ll both talk to him, safety in numbers.”

They approached Jack’s office cautiously and then knocked on the closed door.

“What?” came the gruff response.

They took that as an invite to go in. They found Jack at his desk, blood on his shirt.

Martha took a breath “I sent Gwen home for a few days.”

“Good, I don’t want to see her.”

“Jack, it’s not her fault and I think you know that.”

Jack sighed “You’re right, it’s mine. I’m a terrible leader and a worse lover. I should have handled everything differently.”

“Maybe you should take some time off” Mickey suggested tentatively “Martha and I can handle things.”

“What would I do?”

“Catch up on your sleep?”

Jack sighed “I could stand to do some shopping. I suppose a day couldn’t hurt. I don’t feel like arguing right now” He went down to his bunker and came out a few minutes later, dressed in a clean shirt. He put on his pilot’s jacket “I’ll be back later, call if you need me.”

…

The first place Jack went was the cemetery where Tosh was buried and there was a memorial stone for Owen next to hers.

Jack normally hated cemeteries, reminders of what he’d never have and of what he’d lost. But he felt he had to visit today.

“I’ve said often enough that the dead stay dead and there’s nothing for it. But they say that it helps sometimes to talk to the dead, even if they can’t hear you. So I’m going to give it a try, I don’t want to talk to the living right now.” Jack took a breath “I suppose you know that Ianto’s left, found a new life, taken retcon. Maybe I’m a little jealous” he laughed bitterly “I wish I could forget sometimes. Ianto was the smart one, I just wish he’d given me a little longer but then he deserves someone he can grow old with. I wish that person was me.” He sighed and sank to his knees “I miss you two. If you were still here, I think Ianto would have stayed, at least he wouldn’t have taken retcon. He missed you too. It hurt him, more than he let on that we lost you. I need to tell you both that I’m sorry, sorry for not sharing my secret with you before you found out yourselves. I should have trusted you. I’m sorry too that you two never had the chance to be together and I hope that if there is an afterlife you’re together now. I wish you two were here.”

After Jack had dried his tears, he went to the shops. He bought several new shirts, all black; he was quite tired of blue. Ianto always liked him in blue. He also bought jeans and trainers, screw the forties. Why live in the past? It was time for a new image. He found himself a leather jacket.

He also browsed the car lots, perhaps something a little sportier or even a motorcycle. He’d look good on a motorcycle. He’d drive Owen’s convertible but it was blue and Jack had a sudden hatred of all things blue. He wasn’t overly fond of red either—red was Ianto’s colour.

After making a list of vehicles he might like, he went back to the Hub. It was late by the time he returned, Martha and Mickey were still there but he didn’t say anything to them. He changed into a pair of his new jeans, a black t-shirt and long sleeve button shirt. Then he gathered all his old clothes together and put them in a sack. He took that to the incinerator. He thought of burning his greatcoat too but couldn’t bring himself to do it so he hung it in the farthest corner of his closet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, Jack is having a hard time.


	8. Chapter Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> San Diego Country was a great place, if a little expensive. But at least it didn’t rain almost every day as it did in Cardiff. The weather was much nicer. Branwen and Ceinwen were doing well in school, Ianto liked his co-workers and he and Jason were a couple. He was happy. The one thing that bugged him was those fuzzy and blank spots in his memory. He felt like there was something missing but other than that he was happy.

New Year’s Eve

San Diego Country was a great place, if a little expensive. But at least it didn’t rain almost every day as it did in Cardiff. The weather was much nicer. Branwen and Ceinwen were doing well in school, Ianto liked his co-workers and he and Jason were a couple. He was happy. The one thing that bugged him was those fuzzy and blank spots in his memory. He felt like there was something missing but other than that he was happy.

He and Jason had decided on a quiet New Year’s Eve at home with the girls watching movies until it was time for the ball to drop.

“Hard to believe” Ianto said as he closed the door after paying for the pizza “that it’s New Year’s Eve and it’s not freezing.”

Jason blinked “It’s not?”

Ianto set the boxes on the coffee table “Girls, will one of you go get some napkins, please, thank you. It’s only 58 degrees Fahrenheit.”

Jason laughed “Yeah, that’s freezing for here. You get used to it.”

“Are you two gonna kiss at midnight?” Branwen asked when they all had pizza in front of them.

“Yeah, are you?” that was Ceinwen. Both their accents now only held a slight Welsh lilt, it was very depressing.

Ianto sighed “My eight year olds are perverts.”

Branwen giggled “Don’t be such a drama queen, Tad.” At least they still called him Tad.

“Do I look like a queen to you?”

Jason smiled “Well there was the Halloween party…”

Ianto held up his hand “No, we agreed never to bring that up again. I’m Welsh for God’s sake, we are manly men.”

“Then why do you have such good taste in suits?”

“Only because I have to wear them for work, I would prefer not to wear the things at all.” Ianto was most comfortable in jeans and t-shirts with open dress shirts. Though he admitted, he did look damn good in suits.

…

Jack had patched things up with Gwen… sort of. He told her that he had been blind in regards to Ianto and to her feelings as well. He said that he truly believed Rhys was meant for her and asked if she could understand that. He could continue to work with her, but he couldn’t get close to her again, couldn’t and wouldn’t get close to anyone. Not ever again.

He decided on a Harley and he knew he looked like a biker, especially with the beard he was growing but he didn’t care. He had also taken to spending long hours in the Archives, keeping them as organised as Ianto had left them.

It was in the Archives where the Doctor found him on New Year’s Eve.

“Hello Jack.”

“What are you doing here? Did Martha call you?”

The Doctor shook his head, “No, just came to top off the tank, you could say. Thought I’d pop out for a visit. She did tell me what happened.”

Jack sighed and leaned against a filing cabinet “So you’ve come down here to tell me that it’s gonna be all right, that I need to buck up and get back to my old self?”

“Oh no. I like the new look, it’s very…I like the new look. I think a change is just what you need right now, Jack. You were close with Ianto weren’t you? Martha said you dabbled.”

“It was more than that. I wish you could have met him. Though I have to say, I don’t think he was your biggest fan.”

“Oh? Why not?”

“Part Torchwood London brainwashing, part intense jealousy.”

The Doctor was indignant “He had nothing to be jealous of!”

“He didn’t know that. When I got back from the Year That Never Was, the first thing he said to me was ‘Will you go back to him?’”

The Doctor sighed “Poor lad. I have to say Jack, I don’t approve of this retcon of yours.”

“Didn’t think you would but it’s necessary sometimes.”

“So Martha said. Anyway, it might do you good if you found out how Ianto is doing. Martha’s got his brother on video conference.”

Jack sighed heavily “I suppose” he was curious. He just hoped what he heard would make retconning Ianto worth it.

He and the Doctor went up to the conference room where the others were already gathered.

“Don’t salute” the Doctor said to the man on the screen.

“Sorry sir, we’re trained to” Ianto’s brother sounded mostly American “Captain” he nodded to Jack.

Jack sighed “I gather you’re Lt. Colonel Devin Jones.”

“That’s right.”

“How is he?”

“He’s well, a little different, but well.”

“How is he different?”

Devin took a breath “Well, he’s obsessed with the colour blue, WWII is now his favourite war and he’s developed a fondness for Glenn Miller and Cole Porter.”

Jack felt himself almost smile “You’re kidding?”

“’Fraid not.”

And here was the question Jack was afraid to ask but knew he had to “Has he, uh, moved on?”

Devin nodded “He has a boyfriend.”

“Let me guess, Jason Caruthers.”

“Yes.”

“Is Ianto happy?”

“Frustrated at four years of fuzzy memories but yes, he’s happy.”

…

Jack walked the Doctor back to the Tardis “Should have left me on that Chula ship.”

The Doctor sighed and leaned against the Tardis doors “I couldn’t do that.”

“I didn’t ask for this life.”

“Neither did I.”

Jack’s eyes stung “It’s my fault Ianto left. I saw so far past the end of my nose I didn’t see what was right in front of me.”

“I know what that’s like.”

“I don’t want to live forever knowing how much I hurt him, how much I hurt everyone I’ve loved. Isn’t there anything you can do?”

The Doctor took a deep breath and his own eyes glistened “I’m sorry Jack. If the other Time Lords were here, maybe the Council could come up with something. They don’t like impossible things and would find a way to make you un-impossible but with just me, there’s nothing I can do. I’m sorry, I am so sorry.”

“I’m stuck like this then. After you told me, I thought maybe it’d be all right, so many things to see. But…the past year…” Jack snuffled “I was such an idiot. In the Year that Never Was, the Master told me what happened to my team. Gwen was killed almost right away, trying to fight the spheres. Tosh and Owen were forced into service and Ianto…Ianto found out where I was. He was the only one who tried to save me but he didn’t get very far before he was killed too. I should have realised then what I had with him. I was so blind.”

The Doctor put a hand on his shoulder “I am so sorry. I wish I could help you, I really do.”

…

Valentine’s Day

Except for the constant gnawing feeling that he was missing something things were going great for Ianto and his girls.

Ianto had a nice apartment, a good job and a better boyfriend. He and Jason had grown quite close, in fact Ianto was fairly certain he was falling for him.

Jason was taking him somewhere nice for dinner tonight and suits were required. Ianto was just having trouble deciding what to wear. He’d chosen the three-piece suit, just not what colour shirt to wear. He’d narrowed it down to two; deep red or salmon.

“Wear the red shirt” Devin suggested; he was in town for business and had agreed to babysit the twins while Ianto was out.

Ianto looked at him “While I agree I look good in red, isn’t it stereotypical for Valentine’s Day?”

Devin shrugged “It’s a stereotypical holiday. People would think you’re weird for not wearing red or pink.”

“And if I wear the salmon it’s obvious I’m gay…”

“You’ll be having dinner with another man on Valentine’s Day, pink’s not gonna make a difference.”

“It’s salmon.”

“You know that’s what a straight man would say when he doesn’t want to admit he’s wearing pink.”

Ianto put the salmon shirt away, the red looked better with the suit anyway “It really is salmon, it’s what the tag said.”

Devin rolled his eyes “whatever. Where’s he taking you?”

“I’m not sure, some place down town and apparently he made reservations last month.”

…

“This is unbelievable,” Ianto said once he and Jason were seated “I’ve heard about this place, how on earth did you get a table?”

Jason smiled “I know the executive chef.”

“You do?”

“I handled his sister’s divorce.”

“Oh. Wow,” Ianto saw someone coming at them with a bottle of something “Did you order wine?”

“Champagne actually, it is a special night. Shall we start with an appetiser?”

Ianto wondered what Jason was up to because he had to be up to something to go to all this trouble. Mind, he’d always treated Ianto special and was a very romantic person, maybe this is just what he did on Valentine’s Day.

After dinner they went on a walk, hand in hand.

“Thank you,” Ianto told him “dinner was delicious. So was dessert.”

“I’m glad you liked it.”

Ianto kissed his cheek “You’re so kind to me, Jason. I don’t deserve it.”

Jason stopped and stood in front of him “Yes you do. Don’t talk like that, Ianto.”

“But why though? Why are you doing all this?”

“Has nobody ever treated you like you were special?”

“Not to my recollection.”

“Oh I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have…”

“It’s okay.”

Jason swallowed “I felt something when I first met you.”

“You did?”

“Yes, I like to think you did too.”

“I’m sorry I wish I could remember.”

“It’s okay” Jason cupped his cheek “I love you Ianto.”

That made Ianto feel absolutely wonderful, the fact that Jason told him “I love you too” and he kissed him deeply…on a street full of people and for some reason that boosted Ianto’s confidence tenfold.

…

Fourth of July

Why Ianto agreed to spend all bloody day at the park is beyond him. They were only at the park because apparently the beaches got too crowded on the 4th. The park was crowded too though and they would stay till the fireworks.

Ianto shouldn’t have to celebrate this holiday but as he and his girls were immigrants, it apparently looked good that they celebrate it. Ianto felt like a traitor.

“You all right?” Jason handed him a cola.

“Yeah, it’s just hot” Ianto opened the can and took a drink “still not used to it.”

Jason kissed his cheek “You’ll get there, babe.”

“Yeah, I reckon so. Explain to me the point of this holiday again.”

“We are celebrating our independence from, well, you guys.”

Ianto rolled his eyes “I’m Welsh not English.”

“You’re still British.”

“Maybe, but only because we are waiting for the opportune moment to rebel properly. We’re in talks with the Scottish about joining forces.”

“Well ask us for advice, we’ll be happy to help.”

“It was easy for you lot, you were on the other side of the ocean. We’re sort of on the same island.”

Jason laughed “It’s so hard to tell when you’re kidding.”

“But we really are plotting rebellion but it’s a secret so don’t tell anyone English.” Ianto stood up “I’m going to brave the restroom. If I’m not back in five minutes send the National Guard.”

Ianto made his way to the public restroom but he had to steady himself on a tree as he suddenly felt dizzy. It passed as quickly as it came. That was weird. Maybe he should drink less cola and more water, that’s probably all it was. Now what was he doing? Oh yes, the restroom.

……

 

Two weeks later…

The dizzy spells continued and it was really starting to freak him out. And it was not just dizzy spells.

He couldn’t remember what he was doing in the kitchen. Why was he in here again? Oh yes, he wanted a cold and frothy beverage. But he absolutely could not remember his journey from the couch to the kitchen.

What was going on?

“You okay?” Jason asked over dinner later—it was their date night.

Ianto shrugged, he was normally one to hide his pain, like a cat but two weeks of dizzy spells and black-outs, as brief as they were, was probably something he should talk to someone about “I don’t know. Past two weeks I’ve getting dizzy spells.”

Jason’s eyes widened in concern and he put a hand over Ianto’s “Why didn’t you say anything sooner?”

Ianto shrugged “I thought it might go away but it’s not and I’ve been having these black-outs. I mean, I haven’t been fainting but it’s like, I would do something and then immediately not remember I’d done it. It’s really starting to worry me.”

“I’m worried too. Ianto, two weeks is too long, you need to see a doctor. Make an appointment first thing tomorrow.”

Ianto sighed “All right, I will.”

…

Ianto was otherwise healthy, at least by all appearances but because of his previous memory loss his doctor ordered a CAT scan.

It came back as normal. But as the dizzy spells and black-outs continued, they would do another scan in about a month to check again. His doctor also ordered other tests but said it could well be a side effect from his head injury. The odd thing was though that there was no evidence of a head injury, not one serious enough to cause amnesia anyway.

The whole thing just didn’t make any sense.

The dizzy spells and black-outs didn’t happen every day but when they did, they were getting worse. He actually passed out in the restroom at work once and if someone hadn’t been there to catch him, he’d have conked his head on the urinal. Talk about embarrassing.

…

The second CAT scan came back clear too. Some of the tests weren’t covered on Ianto’s insurance—and wasn’t that a novel concept?—so it was getting pricey. Jason offered to help out but Ianto opted to hold off on more testing. Maybe he’d get better and for a while he did. A couple weeks after the second CAT scan, everything was fine. He wasn’t feeling dizzy and he stopped blacking out.

He was so happy, he agreed when Jason suggested they move in together. It helped that the girls were all for the idea, they loved Jason and Jason loved them. Everything was going well.

The four of them found a house and moved in by Thanksgiving. Ianto actually looked forward to the American holiday because he had a lot to be thankful about. For their first Thanksgiving in their new house, they wanted to keep it quiet with just the four of them and Jason’s brother Randy who was in town on business.

During a break in that ridiculous sport Americans called football, Randy came in the kitchen where Ianto was checking the turkey. “You doing okay, Ianto?”

“Yes, why?” the turkey, according to the meat thermometer still had twenty minutes before it had to rest so Ianto put it back in the oven.

“Just making sure, you had everyone worried. So, no dizzy spells lately?”

“Nope, not for almost two months now. Whatever it was…” Ianto thought he saw something out the kitchen window, something had rushed passed “Did you see that?” he asked Randy as he opened the kitchen door and stepped into the backyard.

“See what?” Randy had followed him.

“Thought I saw something, sort of greenish but there’s nothing. Must have been a bird or something.” That’s what he said, he didn’t want to tell Randy that it looked like a pterodactyl. Ianto put it down to working too hard and that dinosaur attraction at Knott’s Berry Farm. Jason had taken him and the twins to the park the previous weekend and dinosaurs had been running through Ianto’s head since. Especially the pterodactyls.

The dizzy spells may have stopped but something else was going on. Maybe he was going crazy, why else would he laugh hysterically at a bar of dark chocolate for no apparent reason? Why else would Vertical Horizon’s “Everything You Want” make him cry? That one had come out nowhere. It had to have something to do with those four years of fuzzy and blank memories.


	9. Chapter Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The previous New Year’s Jack had made arrangements that once a year, Ianto’s brother would call him with an update. Well actually, it had been Martha’s idea but Jack didn’t dispute it. Maybe as long as Jack knew Ianto was doing okay things wouldn’t be so bad. Mind, Jack still looked like a biker and try as he might and he did try, he just couldn’t be the man Ianto had loved.

The previous New Year’s Jack had made arrangements that once a year, Ianto’s brother would call him with an update. Well actually, it had been Martha’s idea but Jack didn’t dispute it. Maybe as long as Jack knew Ianto was doing okay things wouldn’t be so bad. Mind, Jack still looked like a biker and try as he might and he did try, he just couldn’t be the man Ianto had loved.

So that New Year’s Eve Devin Jones called him via Skype.

“Captain, even if Ianto remembered you, he wouldn’t recognise you” was the first thing Devin had said “you look like a lumber jack who decided to try out for Hell’s Angels.”

Jack rolled his eyes “Get to the point Lt. Colonel Jones. How’s Ianto?”

Devin sighed “Ah, well he and the twins have moved in with Jason.”

Jack felt a twinge of jealousy “That’s nice. As long as he’s happy. Wait, that sigh, do you not approve?”

Devin sighed again “I’m just not sure if it’ll work out. Randy tells me Jason was in love with someone else before he met Ianto. I’ll be honest, Jason is a good man, he cares for Ianto and the girls and he has the patience of a saint. Ianto says he loves him too.”

“So what’s your problem?”

“It doesn’t seem real to me, I can’t quite explain it.”

“Ianto’s your baby brother, I think your feelings are normal.”

“Maybe. There’s something else you should know. During the summer Ianto started getting dizzy spells and black-outs…”

“What?”

“The CAT scans were clear so I need to know if that’s a side effect of retcon.”

Jack nodded “It can be. Is he all right?”

“Well he says they stopped but I don’t know if I believe him because I know he’s still worried. Jason says Ianto’s been having nightmares and been more emotional.”

“That’s a side effect too. The nightmares are likely memories he doesn’t know he has. Is there anything else?”

“If there is, Ianto’s been keeping it to himself.”

…

Easter break, Sequoia National Park

 

Ianto hated camping, he always did. But Jason and the girls had convinced him and at least they were in a cabin. If it had been tents he’d have refused. He almost did anyway; in the two weeks since he’d agreed to this he’d been having nightmares about cannibalistic country people. Perhaps he shouldn’t have watched “The Hills Have Eyes” but he wasn’t sure that was the cause.

He’d been starting to remember the nightmares he’d been having since November and seeing things out of the corner of his eye. He wasn’t sure they were hallucinations or not so he kept them to himself for the time being. He really hoped he wasn’t schizophrenic. That would suck.

After another nightmare involving a butcher’s knife to his throat Ianto got out of bed before dawn and padded to the cabin’s kitchen to start the coffee. Bloody nightmares, at least he hadn’t woken Jason that time, mainly because he’d been too scared to scream.

He took several deep breaths and got to work on the coffee. The machine was just a thirty dollar Mr Coffee but it would have to do. As he went to the sink to fill up the pot he looked out the window to see a face staring back at him—it was the man from his nightmare. Ianto dropped the coffee pot and screamed, jumping back from the counter and pressing himself against the fridge.

His scream brought everyone running.

“Stay back girls” Jason said and went to Ianto, putting a hand on his shoulder “What’s wrong?”

Ianto pointed a shaky finger at the window “There was someone…”

Jason looked out “I don’t see anyone. But I’ll go out and check.”

Ianto grabbed his arm “No, don’t he’s a cannibal” Ianto realised what he said and sank to the floor “oh dear god.”

Jason bent down and kissed the top of Ianto’s head “Girls, stay with your dad while I check outside.”

The twins got on either side of Ianto and hugged him “Are you okay, Tad?” they looked as worried as Jason had.

“I don’t know” as a father he should be strong for his children and pretend everything was fine but in the state he was in they’d have known if he lied.

“Did you have a bad dream?” Branwen asked.

“I must have.”

A few minutes later Jason came in reporting that no one was outside and if they had been they weren’t know. He knelt down in front of Ianto who was still on the floor “Why don’t we pack up and head home?”

Ianto took a breath “We don’t have to. I’m sure I’ll be fine. I was just tired…” his eyes stung but he refused to lose it in front of his girls.

“It’s okay, Tad” Ceinwen said “we can go home.”

“Tell you what,” Jason said “let’s stop in L.A. and look around Hollywood.”

…

Ianto was the same shoe size as John Wayne. That actually made his day when they were looking around Grauman’s.

Jason linked his arm through his “Do I need to start calling you Duke?”

Ianto smirked “We’ll see.”

The twins giggled.

“You two stop, you don’t even know who John Wayne was, which is very sad.”

They had fun running around Hollywood and later that night when they were home and the girls were in bed Ianto and Jason had a talk.

“Okay, Ianto” Jason said “what’s going on?”

Ianto sighed and sank onto the bed “I don’t know but I’m really starting to freak out. The man I saw in the window was the man in my nightmare last night. I just remember bits and pieces but I was in the countryside of somewhere and there were cannibals. He was holding a knife to my throat.”

Jason sat next to him and took his hand “What else is going on?”

Ianto leaned against him “The nightmares and I’ve been seeing things out the corner of my eye.”

“Have you been getting dizzy?” Jason held him close.

“Sometimes” Ianto admitted “but not as often as in the summer. What if I’m crazy, Jason?”

Jason kissed him “you’re not crazy, babe. We’ll figure out what’s going on and we’ll get you the help you need.”

…

It was now 2010 and Jack had been without Ianto for almost two years. Martha and Mickey were married (how had that happened?) and Gwen had just given birth to a baby girl. With her on a rather forced maternity leave (really Jack had to threaten her with ‘take the standard leave or you can quit) it was time to look for more people to hire. Jack left the search to the Smiths but he would make the final decision.

Jack was stopped at a rather long stop light due to construction and he heard the radio of the car next to him.

_I never told you what I should have said, I never told you I just held it in._

When the female singer said “I see your blue eyes every time I close mine” Jack had enough, he revved up and ran the red light weaving through the construction crew. That damn song had Jack and Ianto written all over it but then so did a lot of songs Jack had been hearing lately. There was Sting’s ‘A Thousand Years’ which made Jack shoot himself, James Blunt’s ‘Good-Bye my Lover’ which was made even more painful by Blunt’s melancholy voice, Nick Lachey’s ‘What’s Left of Me’ which caused him to hang himself, Idina Menzel’s ‘If I Told You’ and Joanna Wang’s ‘Best Mistake I Ever Made’ both of which led to razor blades in the bathtub. Jack only knew the names of the singers of these songs because he looked them up afterwards, he had to know who was singing such depressing Jack-you’re-an-idiot songs. Oh let’s not forget about John Barrowman’s “What About Us?” which almost made Jack go and murder his young look-alike. However, he did send him a rather angry letter one drunken night. He said something like ‘why didn’t I hear that song when it mattered?’ and other things that ended up placing the blame on Jack himself so it turned into an I-just-need-someone-to-talk-to letter.

He hadn’t received a response yet, mainly because he hadn’t singed it and had slipped it under the door of John’s dressing room when he was doing Pantomime in Cardiff.

Jack knew everyone was worried about him but wisely they’d stopped saying so because he would bite their head off.

He was in the archives which of late he had preferred to rooftops. But it wasn’t organising he was doing down there. With no desire to find an actual bed partner Jack got his jollies off by watching free porn on the internet. He’d grown quite addicted to it actually. He went for the free stuff because he didn’t feel he should have to pay for it. Besides the music in the professional stuff was distracting, he preferred the real stuff and avoided the ones that attempted to add music especially cheesy music that belonged in an elevator in an 80s dentist’s office. The primal moans and groans of natural sex—hetero or homosexual—was a big turn on for him.

Right now he was in the gay section and watching a ten minute video. He liked them short, some quick sucking and then move on to the fucking; he got bored if they prolonged it. Any longer than, say, fourteen minutes and he was looking for something else to watch.

“Oh yeah, lick that…” he unzipped his jeans and pulled out his the mini captain. The two on the computer screen were having fun on the beach. The couple couldn’t be more than 21 but it was impossible to tell and they were lean and decently endowed. The darker haired young man was clearly in charge as he now had the blond one on all fours and was preparing him for entry with his tongue.

Jack rubbed in rhythm to the couple when Brown Hair entered Surfer Blond. He came just after they did, some of his cum got onto the computer but oh well, Ianto wasn’t here to read him the riot act. However, that had always turned into a good time.

After he caught his breath he got up and found the all-purpose electronics cleaner and a rag. Ianto may not have been here physically but he was in Jack’s head.

“Can’t believe the coffee boy’s got you whipped.”

Jack glared at the life size cardboard cut-out he’d had made of Owen. There was one of Tosh too. He hadn’t made one of Ianto yet, he was afraid he would do naughty things to it.

It was then he realised that he could well be going insane, he also realised that he didn’t give a damn.

When he got back up to his office he found Gwen waiting for him. Jack sighed “I gave you six months Gwen, it hasn’t even been one.”

“I understand that about the field and I won’t argue with that. But what if I just do desk work? Direct you from here when you’re out on alerts and the like?”

“You need to spend time with your baby and you can’t bring her here. And when you do come back, your hours will be cut. Gwen, trust me on this one. You’ll thank me later. Now go home, you won’t get these days back. She’ll be grown in the blink of an eye so enjoy this while you can. Now go before I call Rhys to come and get you.”

…

Because Ianto’s blood pressure was high and his lithium levels were normal they decided he needed to cut back on stress and talk to a therapist on a regular basis. But if it got worse they would put him on medication which he refused initially.

Therapy and yoga helped for a while. The dizzy spells were few, his nightmares lessened and they did not manifest themselves in his waking life. It was refreshing. However, he seemed to develop an addiction to the internet.

One day, when he had a day off, Jason was with clients and the girls were in school, Ianto found himself looking at a free porn site. He was especially drawn to the gay videos. He spent a couple hours watching before moving on to a UK chat room. He was feeling homesick and wanted someone to talk to.

He chose flyboyluvr as his screen name because of his love of the RAF.

The name coffeeslave caught his eye and he decided to PM them.

Flyboyluvr: Hello.

Coffeeslave: hi there.

Flyboyluvr: s/l?

Coffeeslave: m/a rainy place. Age doesn’t matter to you?

Flyboyluvr: not really.

Coffeeslave: so what’s your s and l?

Flyboyluvr: m/ a sunny place. So you a coffee fan then?

Coffeeslave: depends on who makes it. You?

Flyboyluvr: same. I only drink mine.

Coffeeslave: so do you like pilots or something?

Flyboyluvr: yes.

Coffeeslave: fancy that

Flyboyluvr: are you in the UK?

Coffeeslave: yes. you?

Flyboyluvr: US.

Coffeeslave: hence the sunny. lucky. I’m stuck in Wales.

Flyboyluvr: wish I was. I’m Welsh.

Coffeeslave: sorry. That is to say, sorry you’re not here if you want to be here. I’m in no way insulting the Welsh.

Flyboyluvr: It’s okay.

Coffeeslave: whereabouts US are you?

Flyboyluvr: California.

Coffeeslave: again, hence the sunny. You homesick?

Flyboyluvr: Very much.

Coffeeslave: you on holiday?

Flyboyluvr: no, live here now.

Coffeeslave: why?

Flyboyluvr: I ask myself that every day.

Coffeeslave: what do you do?

Flyboyluvr: Office assistant, you?

Flyboyluvr: you there?

Coffeeslave: Sorry, phone call. I work in an office too, seems all I see is paperwork.

Flyboyluvr: Tell me about it. Do you have any kids?

Coffeeslave: no, you?

Flyboyluvr: Twin daughters, they are not as homesick as I am.

Flyboyluvr: hello?

Two minutes later…

Coffeeslave: Sorry again, nature was calling.

Flyboyluvr: That’s okay. I should go, time to get the girls from school.

Coffeeslave: Okay.

Flyboyluvr: We can talk again?

Coffeeslave: I’d like that.

Flyboyluvr: You busy around 8 am Sat. your time?

Coffeeslave: Not so far.

Flyboyluvr: Meet me back in this chat room.

Coffeeslave: I’ll be here.

…

Jack didn’t believe in coincidences. Flyboyluvr was Ianto, he was sure of it. He’d find out more to be sure of course. He probably shouldn’t be talking to him but it’s not like Jack would give anything away and besides, he didn’t want to wait till New Year’s for an update.

The next time he chatted with flyboyluvr, Jack had no doubt he was chatting with Ianto. Ianto talked about his job, his girls and his neighbourhood. He did not talk about Jason or any health problems. In return, Jack gave very little but his answers satisfied Ianto just the same. Jack told him that all he ever seemed to do was paperwork which was pretty much true because he rarely went out on alerts anymore. He told Ianto that he rode a motorcycle, which Ianto thought was cool.

They met in the chat room once a week, Friday night for Ianto, Saturday morning for Jack and they never exchanged real names. They chatted about classic movies and music. Ianto had become quite the Glenn Miller expert, Jack was quite pleased. At least one good thing had come out of this, Ianto’s taste in music had improved. Whenever they chatted, Jack felt like himself.

…

Did this count as an affair? It’s not like they’d had cybersex, the subject hadn’t even come up. But every time Ianto chatted with coffeeslave, he felt so much better. He didn’t get dizzy, didn’t hallucinate, and on the nights they chatted he didn’t have nightmares. As for the rest of the time, things were getting worse.

For three months the yoga and therapy had helped, then his therapist suggested hypnosis to recover his memories. Not only did that fail miserably, the hallucinations developed names and attitudes. The first time he’d been at work and didn’t realise right away he was hallucinating.

He was in the break room fixing coffee when a cockney voice said “I’ll take one.”

“Sure” Ianto said, pouring another cup when he realised he didn’t know of any cockneys who worked here. He turned to his right, a shorter man who looked like living proof humans were related to apes stood there “Hello? Who are you? Do you work here?”

“Are you that stupid or did Jack just shag your brains out?”

“What?” Ianto’s face felt warm “who’s Jack? Who are you?”

The cockney rolled his eyes and sighed “God Ianto, what’s wrong with you? Bring my coffee to the lab and let Dr Harper check you over.”

“What lab?”

“Ianto,” Fred, who worked in the cubicle across from his came up to him “who are you talking to?”

“This annoying cockney, don’t you…?” Ianto blinked and the cockney was gone. Ianto slumped against the counter “Oh dear god.”

He was sent home early that day. That had been the first time a hallucination actually interacted with him, he’d been seeing the pterodactyl out windows for a while, he called her Myfanwy.

On the way home, he nearly crashed when a very scary thing from his nightmares ran in front of him.

When he got home, no one else was there because it was early. He got in bed and just curled up. Who was Jack? Why would he shag his brains out? Who was this Dr Harper?

“Was Owen giving you a hard time?”

Ianto started at the soft voice, a Japanese woman stood over him. She was pretty and considering Ianto didn’t know any Japanese women he figured she wasn’t real.

“Do you mean Dr Harper?”

“Why so formal? If he wants the title he shouldn’t act like such a jerk.”

“You’re always the first to defend him” just why Ianto knew this, he didn’t know. He didn’t even know the woman’s name and she was gone as quickly as she appeared.

So the annoying Dr Harper had a first name. He didn’t even look like a doctor, he looked like a monkey.

Ianto didn’t tell Jason about the Japanese woman and Owen the monkey man or the monster in the street. He’d wait, see if it got worse.

It did.

That very night when Ianto couldn’t sleep and he was in the kitchen eating cookie dough out of the tube he saw the last person he wanted to see.

“Hello Ianto.”

Ianto jumped out of his chair, knocking it over “Dad? You’re dead.”

“Yes.”

“Right. Are you a hallucination or a ghost?” and there was a question Ianto never thought he’d ever ask.

“Does that matter?”

“For my sanity, yes.”

“Then you don’t want me to answer.”

“Damn.”

“Don’t swear and you shouldn’t eat raw dough.”

“Please go away, Dad.”

“Is that how you talk to your father?”

“I said please didn’t I?”

“Ianto?” Jason came into the kitchen “who are you talking to?”

Ianto sighed, his dad was gone “My dad was just here, telling me off for eating cookie dough.”

Jason put a gentle hand on his arm “Come back to bed.”

“You think I’m mad don’t you?”

“No, Ianto I don’t. We’ll make another appointment in the morning.”

“My boss called you didn’t she?”

“Yes she did.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

“I was hoping you would.”


	10. Chapter Nine

A week and a half later…

Flyboyluvr: I’m sorry about last week, I couldn’t get time alone.

Coffeeslave: I was busy myself. Everything okay?

Ianto decided to tell him.

Flyboyluvr: I’m not sure what’s worse, the way the medicine makes me feel or the hallucinations themselves.

Coffeeslave: What?

Flyboyluvr: I guess I’m not well. Lost my memory a couple years back, bunch of fuzzy & blank spots.

Coffeeslave: Oh god.

Flyboyluvr: Anyway, so lately I’ve been hallucinating, very vivid. They interact with me. They’ve lessened somewhat since I started the medication.

Coffeeslave: What kind of hallucinations?

Flyboyluvr: My dad, a pterodactyl, a Japanese woman and an annoying cockney who claims to be a doctor but he looks like a monkey.

Coffeeslave: Are you okay now?

Flyboyluvr: Don’t know yet. Might take a while for the meds to fully take effect, if at all. The other day I saw a Welsh woman with a gap in her front teeth and a condescending voice.

After about a minute Coffeeslave responded: How do they interact with you?

Flyboyluvr: Well, Owen the monkey man is quite rude, says that Jack shags my brains out. I haven’t seen Jack yet but I’ve a pretty good idea who he is.

Coffeeslave: Oh yeah?

Ianto noticed that Coffeeslave didn’t wonder at a man shagging him. That was good. They’d really just been friends so far and hadn’t talked about romance of any sort.

Flyboyluvr: I suspect he’s the man in blue I’ve dreamt about. Haven’t seen his face quite but his body’s hard and strong so I think he must be handsome.

Coffeeslave: Sounds like.

Flyboyluvr: Owen also asked me if I should be jealous of Gwen, the gap-toothed because Jack’s always telling her stuff before the rest of us.

Coffeeslave: If that’s the case then Jack’s an idiot. He should trust you more.

Flyboyluvr: I can’t control hallucinations. You don’t even know me.

Coffeeslave: I know you well enough to know that anyone who treats you badly deserves to be shot.

Ianto wondered if it was wrong to develop feelings for someone he’d never met or seen a picture of.

Flyboyluvr: You’re sweet. Does it bother you that I’m gay?

Well he might as well be. He’d slept with a grand total of two women. Nobody ever believed he was bisexual anyway.

Coffeeslave: Nope. So am I if I had to choose a label.

Flyboyluvr: I haven’t asked yet but since you ride a motorcycle do you wear leather?

Coffeeslave: Does the thought excite you?

Flyboyluvr: Maybe.

Coffeeslave: I do actually, a leather jacket, sometimes chaps.

So he possibly looked like a typical biker but for some reason Ianto pictured him wearing an RAF greatcoat like this Jack character wore. Talk about weird.

Flyboyluvr: Sexy.

Coffeeslave: And what’s your normal attire?

Flyboyluvr: Jeans but I have to wear suits for work.

Coffeeslave: And I bet you look good in them.

Flyboyluvr: You don’t even know what I look like.

Coffeeslave: You’re Welsh, that’s good enough for me.

Flyboyluvr: I never did ask, what’s your nationality?

Coffeeslave: American, actually.

Flyboyluvr: And living in Wales?

Coffeeslave: I love the Welsh.

Flyboyluvr: You’re very wise.

Coffeeslave: Not always. I lost someone very dear to me because I wasn’t.

Flyboyluvr: I’m sorry.

Coffeeslave: Live and learn. I won’t make the same mistake again.

…

This was not good. In all the years Jack had used retcon, never had anyone been affected like this. It was like Ianto’s memories that were erased by the retcon were manifesting themselves as hallucinations that interacted with him. The medication likely wouldn’t help, not in the long run. Ianto’s subconscious was trying to make him remember. He would only get worse.

Jack went up to the still empty Hub and into the lab. Maybe it was time to make an antidote to retcon.

…

Later Mickey put some files on Jack’s desk.

Jack looked up at him “What’s all this?”

“Personnel files, for new recruits, Martha and I have narrowed it down to five. One on top one’s of the better candidates, Fiona Martin, her mother is Jo Grant.”

“Is that supposed to mean something to me?”

“Jo Grant used to work for UNIT, was once personal assistant to the Doctor.”

“That is not a requirement to work here and I won’t give preferential treatment to people with relatives who know the Doctor but I’ll look these over and get back to you.”

Once Mickey left the office Jack sighed and opened the top file “Ianto, look these over and tell me who you think is best. Oh yeah. Never mind.”

Fiona Martin was indeed a good candidate for Torchwood. She graduated M.I.T with full honours and was currently working for the same company that had gotten Tosh in trouble. So far she’d done nothing really spectacular with her life.

Jack looked up her mother’s UNIT file. On Jo’s first assignment with the Doctor she’d disobeyed orders and gotten herself hypnotised by the Master and nearly blew up UNIT. Doesn’t that always happen? Disobey the Doctor and you get yourself messed with by the Master or whoever the current baddy is. Moral of the story: Don’t disobey the Doctor. Ever.

Actually, there was an idea. Jack picked up the files and left his office “Despite what I said Mickey, I don’t trust my opinion. See if you can get the Doctor’s, see who he wants to work for Torchwood. I don’t really care anymore.”

…

Jack hadn’t been in touch with Alice, she preferred it that way. So he was surprised when she called him out of the blue. Apparently Stephan wanted his Uncle Jack at his birthday.

“I appreciate you allowing me to go” Jack told her “but I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

“This is a first, you telling me no. What’s wrong Dad? You haven’t called in a while.”

“I thought you liked it that way.”

“But when you don’t call, I know something’s wrong” lord help him but she actually sounded concerned.

Jack sighed “I don’t think you’d be interested. It’s a personal matter. Look, Stephan wouldn’t recognise me, I’ve grown a beard.”

“Well that’s all right. He really wants to see you, Dad. Come on, what’s bothering you?”

She asked for it.

Jack took a breath and told her about Ianto.

When he was finished, instead of hanging up like he thought she would she said “You actually found someone who didn’t care about your immortality and you let him go? You really are an idiot. But then so is he. Come to Stephan’s party, it’ll make his day.”

…

Thanksgiving, 2010

Dallas, TX

They were having Thanksgiving with Jason’s family in Texas and things weren’t exactly right with Ianto and Jason lately.

Jason had been very patient with Ianto’s apparent illness, the medication wasn’t working and Jason’s patience was wearing thin. Ianto’s constant dreams of the man in blue had been resulting in Ianto shouting his name in his sleep and Jack had finally manifested as a hallucination. Jack’s personality changed often though, sometimes he was very kind and loving and sometimes he was lecherous and Ianto wanted to slap him silly. What drove Ianto mental was sometimes Gwen the gap-toothed would stare at Jack with googly eyes. They were hallucinations, Ianto knew that but still, he didn’t like it.

But it wasn’t just these very vivid hallucinations that were causing a rift between him and Jason.

“You’re addicted to the internet” Jason told him when they were alone in the guest room.

“What gives you that idea?” Ianto responded coolly.

“Ianto, I know what websites you’ve been going to…”

“Have you been checking my browsing history?”

“Yes but only because you’ve been spending so much time on that damn computer. Do you know what kind of viruses you can get from those websites?”

“Oh please, it’s not like I surf without protection. Calm down.”

“And who is this Coffeeslave you’ve been talking to?”

“Jealous?”

“No.”

“You are and you’re jealous of Jack too.”

“I am not jealous of a hallucination.” Jason’s voice rose.

“You are too! And what about Kendal?”

“What about Kendal?” Jason blinked, Kendal was another lawyer at his law firm and they worked together quite often.

“You spend an awful lot of time with him.”

“I talk to him, is that a crime? I can’t exactly talk to you because you won’t talk to me.”

“You’re the one who spends all hours at work!”

“Because you’re not interested in me anymore!”

“Guys” Randy came in the room after several minutes of more shouting “the neighbours can hear you.”

Ianto sank onto the bed, deflated “This isn’t working anymore is it?”

“Jason” Randy said “a word?”

Jason sighed and nodded.

…

Randy dragged his brother outside.

Jason wrenched his arm free “What’s wrong? Is that necessary?”

Randy sighed “The girls tell me you and Ianto have been fighting a lot.”

Jason sat in a lawn chair “He’s been cyber-cheating on me with some dude called Coffeeslave.”

“Not the same as physical cheating.”

“I know but he’s in love with him and that hallucination of his.”

“Jack?”

“Yeah.”

“Ianto isn’t even your type. I always thought he wasn’t big and burly enough for you. What about Kendal? Jason, I know you’ve always liked him. You wanted him before you met Ianto but didn’t do anything ‘cos you thought he wouldn’t respond well.”

“Well he was raised in the ghetto. So I was wrong about what he’d think but I haven’t been sleeping with him.”

“But you’ve been tempted.”

“Even you say he’s hot. Randy, what does this have to do with Ianto?”

Randy sat next to him “Jason, you remember when you met Ianto and I told you never to talk to him about what he told you?”

“Yes, you said it wouldn’t be good for him.”

“What did he tell you?”

“He told me he was lovers with his boss.”

“And his boss’s name?”

“Jack…oh my god.”

“Yeah, listen Jase, I think Ianto’s memories are trying to return through these hallucinations. He worked for an organisation similar to UNIT…”

…

 

Dinner that evening was a little strained. Everyone knew about Ianto and Jason’s problems but nobody was saying anything about it. He wondered what Randy talked to Jason about. Randy was the twins’ godfather and like a brother to Ianto and was about as protective of Ianto as Ianto’s actual brother was.

But whatever they talked about, Jason was more subdued after. Ianto decided to try not to think about it.

He stuck a piece of turkey on his fork.

“Isn’t this what you wanted?”

He paused before putting the food in his mouth “What?” he looked up and saw Jack hovering over the table, well not literally hovering.

Everyone was staring at him, he smiled nervously “What did you put in this gravy, Irene? It’s simply delicious.”

Irene gave him a smile “I used the turkey neck. It’s an old family recipe.”

“Nice save” Jack said “as I was saying. Didn’t you want a normal life? Family around a dinner table?”

Ianto shot him a look that said ‘not now.’

“Maybe I can’t give you a big family but I can give you a dinner table.”

Ianto set his fork down “May I be excused?”

“Of course sweetheart” Irene said.

Ianto went to the upstairs bathroom. As he suspected Jack followed him.

“I’m not entirely sure what you’re talking about” Ianto told him “you’re not even real.”

“How do you know?” Jack crossed his arms and leaned against the sink.

“How do I know what?”

“If I’m real or not.”

“If you were I wouldn’t be able to do this” Ianto stuck his hand right through him.

Jack sighed “Ianto, I can give you a dinner table.”

“But would you sit at it with me every night?” why Ianto said this, he wasn’t sure “besides what about Gwen?”

“What about her?”

“I’ve seen the way she looks at you and sometimes you look at her the same way.”

“Maybe that’s a hallucination.”

There was a knock on the bathroom door “Ianto?” it was Randy “you okay?”

Jack disappeared and Ianto opened the door “I don’t know what’s real anymore.”


	11. Chapter Ten

New Year’s Eve

 

Devin Jones called right on schedule “Good evening, captain.”

“Colonel,” Jack nodded “and how’s your year been?”

“I’ve transferred to San Diego to be closer to Ianto. How about yourself?”

“How is Ianto?”

“I’m sure you already have some idea, coffeeslave.”

Jack blinked “What? How?”

Devin sighed “Jason was concerned that Ianto was spending so much time on the internet so he told me and Randy. We traced the screen name to a computer at Torchwood. It could only be you.”

Jack needed to have Fiona strengthen the firewalls “I know I shouldn’t be…”

“No, it’s all right. Ianto says the only time he doesn’t hallucinate is when he’s chatting with you. Did he tell you about the situation with Jason?”

“He doesn’t talk about Jason. Why?” Jack should never have let Ianto take retcon, protocol be damned.

“They broke up. Still house share but they’re just friends now.”

Part of Jack felt bad but the other part was thrilled “What happened?”

“You. Well, the hallucination of you and coffeeslave. Ianto doesn’t know it but he’s not over you.”

….

Ianto and Jason decided to remain friends and housemates. As they had gotten the house together, it didn’t make sense for either of them to move out but Ianto moved into the guest room.

And because the medication was not working Ianto had to leave his job at the office. He was able to work a part time job at a Starbucks though. Fortunately the hallucinations weren’t so bad that he couldn’t continue to function in society, he participated in his daughters’ PTA and school events now that he had more free time. He was able to ignore his ‘imaginary friends’ quite well when need be.

During the rest of his free time he was on the internet talking to Coffeeslave.

Flyboyluvr: I can’t believe you’re still talking to me.

Coffeeslave: Why wouldn’t I?

Flyboyluvr: I’m crazy, aren’t I?

Coffeeslave: You’re not crazy.

Flyboyluvr: Am too. I see things.

Coffeeslave: Have you thought that maybe these hallucinations are your missing memories?

Ianto thought about it. That would be weird.

Flyboyluvr: Then I lived a very strange life. And that doesn’t explain the dinosaur or the monster thing I want to call Janet.

Coffeeslave: Are you sure? Maybe there’s a reason you’ve given the dino and the monster names.

Flyboyluvr: Okay, assuming your theory is correct, how do I find proof? Because I would love to find validation that I’m not completely insane.

It was around five minutes before Coffeeslave responded. Why did he always do that? Sometimes it seemed like he was actually thinking about just how to word his response.

Coffeeslave: I’m not sure. If I could help you, I would.

Flyboyluvr: Maybe you can.

Coffeeslave: How?

Flyboyluvr: You live in Wales. Think you can check Cardiff for dinosaurs and monsters? Maybe a man who dresses like it’s WWII?

Coffeeslave: I’ll be honest with you, I live in Cardiff and I haven’t seen such a man. But the dinosaur and monster could be hiding.

Flyboyluvr: You’re placating me.

Coffeeslave: No I’m not, I swear. Okay, what I meant was I haven’t seen such a man lately.

Flyboyluvr: Lately?

Coffeeslave: I used to see a man like that running around but two years ago he just disappeared.

Flyboyluvr: Around the time I left.

Coffeeslave: Maybe he was miserable without you and decided to leave too.

Flyboyluvr: Then he should have followed me and told me so.

Coffeeslave: You’re right, he should have. I told you before this Jack guy’s an idiot. He doesn’t deserve you anyway.

Flyboyluvr: I don’t even know if he’s real.

Ianto thought for a moment and decided to go for it: My name is Ianto. Can you tell me yours?

Coffeeslave: I have to go now. Emergency.

…

As it turned out, it wasn’t a lie as Jack’s mobile rang about two minutes after he got off the internet.

3 days later…

 

Jack had gone as far as putting on a dark suit but he wasn’t sure if he could leave the Hub. How had this happened?

“Captain?” Fiona stuck her head in the office “aren’t you going to the funeral?”

Jack sighed heavily “Rhys won’t want me there.”

Fiona stepped in all the way “I know I’m still new here and I don’t know anything about the history between you and Gwen so I don’t see why Mr Williams won’t want you there. It wasn’t your fault. It was a drunk driver, nothing to do with work.”

“But she was on her way _to_ work. Believe me Fiona, Rhys’ll find some way to blame me.”

“Even so, you are the captain and you should be there. Gwen would have wanted it.”

“I stopped doing what she wants two and a half years ago.”

“Well then what about Ianto?” Mickey came in behind Fiona “if he were here don’t you think he’d expect you to go?”

Fiona looked back and forth between Mickey and Jack “Boy, I really have no idea what’s going on do I?”

Jack ended up going though he wasn’t happy about it. Rhys refused to speak to him the whole time other than to say “You stay away from my daughter” and it was obvious he was forcing himself not to shout.

Jack had considered telling him about Gwen’s affair with Owen and how she’d used retcon on him. But he decided to let Rhys continue to worship her and anyway it wouldn’t now that she couldn’t defend herself. Besides Gwen wasn’t at all what Jack had been telling himself lately, she just turned out having more flaws than Jack initially thought. She’d been as messed up as the rest of them after all, no better and no worse. He should have tried talking to her about the whole thing in a calm and rational manner. Damned hindsight.

Even so, he couldn’t help but wonder how things would have turned out with Ianto if he hadn’t hired her in the first place. But he’d hired her because she reminded him of a girl he used to know and he liked her persistence. He lit a candle for her on his way out of the church “I’m sorry, Gwen” and then he lit one for Tosh, Owen and even Suzie “I’m sorry all of you. I hope you can forgive me someday.”

God, how had he let things turn out so badly? He should never have joined Torchwood to begin with. The whole thing was cursed.

…

Coffeeslave: I’m sorry about the other day. A friend of mine was killed.

Flyboyluvr: Oh God. I’m so sorry. How, if you don’t mind my asking?

Coffeeslave: she was driving to work and an early morning drunk t-boned her. She didn’t make it to the hospital.

Flyboyluvr: was anyone else in the car?

Coffeeslave: no, thank God her baby was at home.

Flyboyluvr: she had a baby? Oh no. how old?

Coffeeslave: 8 or 9 months, I think.

Flyboyluvr: that’s heart breaking. Please tell me the baby still has a father.

Coffeeslave: yeah, she does, a great one too. Rhys will take good care of her.

Jack had clicked send before thinking about it. Should he have said Rhys’s name? Would that trigger a hallucination for Ianto? Maybe not, Rhys after all was one of the most common Welsh names.

Flyboyluvr: I’ll say a prayer for them.

Coffeeslave: that’s thoughtful of you. So how are you doing?

Flyboyluvr: Okay, I guess. Still insane.

Coffeeslave: you’re not insane. Is the medication not working?

Flyboyluvr: No so I’ve stopped taking it. In fact I think it was making it worse. Since I stopped that damn North Londoner hasn’t shown up nearly as much.

North Londoner? Oh god, now Ianto was hallucinating that bastard. This wasn’t good.

Coffeeslave: I take it you don’t like this one so what’s the North Londoner done?

Flyboyluvr: bastard taunts me, says he’s going to take Jack away.

Coffeeslave: well if Jack had any sense he’d shoot the s.o.b. next time he shows up.

And he would too.

Flyboyluvr: if only my hallucinations worked like that.

Jack was missing Ianto so much his heart literally ached. Oh god. He loved Ianto, he did, he always had. Why the hell was he just admitting this to himself now? Now, of all the… He remembered the letter he found taped to Ianto’s coffee machine. Maybe it was time to read it and then try to make things right. If it was at all possible.

Coffeeslave: I have to go right now, something I need to do.

Flyboyluvr: okay, till next time then and again I’m sorry about your friend.

…

Jack clicked off without responding and went to his closet. His coat smelled like Ianto’s coffee. He took it out and just held it for a moment before digging in the pockets.

He found the letter in the right pocket and sat down on the floor and opened it. The first thing he noticed were the tearstains, Ianto had cried as he wrote this. Jack took a breath and began to read. My handsome prince, it said:

_I know, that sounds sappy and girly doesn’t it? But it’s true, Jack, you are a prince to me. I must confess something to you. I dreamt about you the night we caught Myfanwy. Dreaming itself was a feat as I hadn’t been sleeping._

_I wish so much that I had told you about Lisa from the start, asked you for help. Knowing you now I like to think you would have tried to help or at least convinced me there was nothing we could do except to end her suffering. That’s hindsight for you. I am so sorry for what I did, I was filled with regret the whole time. But I kept telling myself I’d come too far to quit. You’ll find all this in my diary as I’m sure you’ll read it._

_The dream I had that night was a fairy tale. You were a prince and I was a knight. I saved you from a dragon._

_Needless to say that freaked me out._

_When you were so forgiving after the cyberwoman I knew you were not a monster but you really were a prince. You gave me another chance. I would have been lost without you. Without you I don’t know what would have happened to me. I like to think that I would have not killed myself so I would be there for my girls but I’m just not sure. Enough of that though._

_I must confess something else. Jack, remember when we were weevil hunting during that thunderstorm? It was a week before Owen was shot and you and I were in the park. Lightning had struck a tree and a branch was going to fall on you. I pushed you out of the way and we rolled down the slope._

_“Are you out of your mind?” you shouted at me “I would have been fine but you could have been killed.”_

_I responded “Tree sap is difficult to get out of wool sir.” The truth is I can’t stand seeing you dead. That’s why whenever I’ve been able I’ve pushed you out of the way of danger. I know you’re supposed to be immortal but I can’t help but think, what if this time he won’t wake up? I couldn’t bear that._

_When you were dead after Abbadon I was devastated. I wanted to be the one down there sitting with you in case you woke up but I knew you’d want me to get on with my work. When I saw you alive, standing there in the Hub I’d never felt such euphoria. I knew then I was dangerously close to falling over the edge for you._

_And that’s what this letter is about, Jack. I love you and I always will. That’s why I have to take retcon. Jack, I want so much to stay with you and live happily ever after but we both know that’s not going to happen. But I don’t need happily ever after, if you tell me tonight that you love me and want me to stay and make me believe it then I’ll stay. But if that doesn’t happen then…well…that will be that._

_Jack, I’m telling you this because you need to know. I know you think you should be alone and don’t deserve true happiness, it tends to be how immortals are. That’s very stereotypical of you. You do deserve happiness Jack and you don’t have to share every secret you have to get it. Telling people stuff is not always required to win someone’s heart. You stole mine and you didn’t tell me a thing. I want you to know that if I can fall unquestionably in love with you this much, then one day, someone else will too._

_Oh Jack, I want to stay but I have to think about my girls. I need to give them a good life, a happy life and being exposed to Torchwood just won’t do it. I’m sorry but I think you know it’s true. If I were to stay with you, even if I was no longer in Torchwood, sooner or later aliens would be a factor, they’d follow you home or something. I won’t put my children in danger and I would never ask you to leave Torchwood. So there we are. I hope you understand._

_I know, if I love you I should find a way to make it work but it’s a two way street Jack. If I know you love me too then we’ll make it work. But I just can’t wait for you anymore._

_The thing is, even though I won’t remember, you will always own my heart. I love you and I am so sorry I stopped waiting._

_Your Stalwart Knight_

 

Jack cried himself to sleep and when he woke, he knew what he had to do. He had to convince Ianto he wasn’t crazy, that these hallucinations were based on real memories, hopefully make his real memories come back and do what he could to make things right. And to do that, he knew it was time to tell Ianto how he felt and make him believe it.

He considered shaving but decided to hold off. If he went to Ianto looking like his old self, Ianto might think he was just hallucinating again. He packed a bag.

“Where are you going?” Martha asked as he passed through the hub.

“I’m going to save my shining knight and give him his happily ever after.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> About time he found that letter. And I'm sorry about Gwen.


	12. Chapter Eleven

Ianto was home alone and it was blissfully quiet until that North London dickhead showed up. He was by far Ianto’s most hated hallucination, the bastard was loud, lecherous, psychopathic and dressed like an extra in a space age version of Pirates of Penzance.

“Hello Eyecandy” and he called him that god awful nickname, it would be flattering if he wasn’t so rude about it.

Ianto glared at him “What do you want? I’m not in the mood.”

“You know what I want.”

“Yes I know, you want Jack. Excuse me a moment, I’ll go and fetch him” Ianto went upstairs, found what he needed and went back down “Still here? Good. I know you’re not real but this will make me feel so much better.” He pulled the trigger.

…

Cardiff to London felt like the longest train ride Jack had ever been on and when he got to London he got on the first flight to San Diego. It was the longest flight of his life.

“Finally grew a brain, I see.”

Jack turned so quickly he almost got whiplash “Owen? I’ve heard your voice before, why am I just now seeing you?”

The image of Owen shrugged “Don’t know. You’re an idiot?”

“What do you want?”

“Just don’t cock things up this time, Harkness.”

“I’m not planning on it. Why is Ianto’s hallucination of you so rude to him?”

“Man’s gotta grow a pair, don’t he? And who said I was a hallucination for either of you?” with that he vanished.

Jack pretended he didn’t hear that.

 

When he landed in Chicago for a two hour layover he realised he could have used his pull with UNIT. Oh well. He needed the time to think about what he was going to say other than the obvious.

As he wandered around O’Hare the gay couples particularly stood out. A few of them were holding hands and Jack realised that that was what he wanted, a normal life. A normal life with Ianto, the craving intensified when he saw a couple with a baby. Jack wanted to give Ianto a family, he could be a second father to Branwen and Ceinwen, he could do everything Ianto wanted…except grow old with him.

Was that so much to ask? He was tired of this, tired of this life of fighting aliens and saving the world. When the Doctor first told him he couldn’t be fixed, he thought he’d be able to live with it, so much to see, to do. But he didn’t think just how much that handsome young Welshman would come to mean to him. He didn’t realise how much he already did. He wanted Ianto since the night they met in the park. Maybe Jack had confused love at first sight for lust.

He had loved Ianto all this time and he’d been too stupid and scared to realise it. If only he was mortal, if only there was a way…ah, what the hell, it couldn’t hurt.

Jack found a men’s room that was closed for maintenance, he needed privacy. He stood in front of the mirror and took a breath “My people believed that the Divine, the Creator or Creators of the universe had many faces; that He and/or She were to the individual however they wanted. My mother believed in a Goddess. I went both ways, figured it made more sense to have a Goddess and a God. But when I died and died again and again and didn’t see anything, I guess you could say I lost my faith. But I’m talking to You now, You in charge up there because well, I’d like to give you another chance if you’ll have me. I read in Ianto’s diary that he believed I never see anything when I die because I’m not meant to yet. I hope he’s right. I love Ianto and I want to give him the life he deserves. I want to be mortal again, I want to grow old with Ianto. You know, I’ve loved a lot of people in my life but no one as much as I love him. I’m tired of fighting, tired of this whole thing. Torchwood doesn’t need me, do they? I just want a normal life with the man I love and his children. I want a loving family, that’s all I ever really wanted. Please, just please make me normal again. At the very least help Ianto remember and if you can’t fix me then I will still say with him for as long as he’ll have me.”

He was still in tears when he got on the plane. He was quite surprised, more people asked him if he was all right than he would have thought. Maybe these 21st century people weren’t so bad after all.

“Are you okay, mister?” a little girl asked him when he stepped out of the lavatory about halfway into the flight “it sounded like you were crying.”

Jack sighed “No I’m not okay but hopefully I will be soon. I’m going to save my knight in shining armour.”

“Was he kidnapped by an evil wizard or dragon?

“No but…he took a potion that made him forget me. I need to make him remember. It’s making him sick.”

“Is he your true love?”

“Yes he is.”

“Then kiss him, kissing always works.”

“I’ll try that, thank you.”

“Remember true love always gets a happy ending.” She stepped into the lavatory Jack had just vacated.

Smiling at the simple innocence of a child, Jack went back to his seat. He watched for her, wanting to see where she was sitting but he didn’t see her leave the lavatory.

“Excuse me miss” he pulled aside a passing flight attendant “could you check the left hand lavatory back there, a little girl’s been in there a while. She has blonde pigtails and is wearing a white dress with a pink sash.”

“Certainly sir, I’ll do that now.”

As the woman made her way to the back of the plane, Jack realised that the little girl had been dressed a bit old fashioned, either that or she was wearing her communion dress.

The stewardess came back “Sir, there’s no one in there.”

“Oh, I must have missed her. Have you seen a little girl like that? I’d like to buy her an ice cream.”

“No sir I haven’t seen anyone like that. The only little girl on the plane is wearing jeans.”

A shiver ran down Jack’s spine “Right well, thanks anyway.” Jack looked out the window, nope nothing on the wing. So why was the theme to The Twilight Zone suddenly in his head? Oh, because Owen was standing in the aisle, humming it. Jack glared at him but didn’t say anything—he didn’t want anyone to think he was schizophrenic though that one stewardess probably already did.

…

Jack decided to go to Ianto’s brother first so Devin could introduce them. Devin’s house was a modest one storey in La Mesa in San Diego’s East County. It was afternoon when Jack got there; there was a UNIT issue car in the driveway so someone was home. Jack parked his rental along the sidewalk and then went up to the door. He took a deep breath and knocked. Maybe he should have called first.

After a minute the door opened. Devin blinked “Captain Harkness?”

“Hi Colonel, I know I should have called first but it was a spur of the moment decision, you know?”

“Um, come in, please.”

Jack did and Devin closed the door.

“What brings you by, Captain?”

“Call me Jack. Listen, I want him back. I’ve been trying to come up with an antidote to retcon but so far I haven’t had any luck so I thought I’d try talking to him.”

“What brought this on?”

“I found this letter he wrote me before…and…the point is I love him and I want to give him everything he wants. I was such a complete idiot and…”

“We knew it!” two twin girls appeared from behind a corner. They were around ten and had Ianto’s blue eyes.

Devin sighed “Girls…”

The one in a t-shirt that said Rios Roadrunners stepped forward “You’re Prince Jack. We knew that story Tad told us was based on real life experiences.”

Devin scratched his head “They’re uh, very smart for their age.”

“What story?” Jack asked.

The other one was wearing a blue peasant top and she said “He told us a fairy tale the night before we left Cardiff. It didn’t have a happy ending and the next morning he had no idea what we were talking about.”

“What fairy tale?”

“It was about Prince Jack and Sir Ianto and how Sir Ianto was always saving him.”

Jack smiled “That’s right, he did even though he didn’t have to. Now I’m here to save him.”

“I heard voices that night” said the one in a t-shirt “you were there and you flashy light thinged him.”

Jack blinked “What?”

Devin sighed again “Branwen, I said it was a pill.”

“You what?” Jack asked him.

“Well I had to tell them something didn’t I?” Devin’s Welsh accent was more apparent “Girls, please go to your room. Jack and I need to talk privately” Devin led Jack to the kitchen.

“You told them the truth?”

“Sort of. They’re very bright, Captain, they knew all their Tad’s tests were coming back normal and they wanted to know why he was hallucinating. I told them he used to work for the Crown version of UNIT and that like Men in Black when one quits their memory is altered. So his subconscious is trying to make him remember by causing these hallucinations.”

“Did you tell Ianto? Where is he? Why are they with you?”

Devin pulled up a kitchen chair “You might want to sit down.”

“I’ll stand thanks.”

“No, I haven’t told Ianto yet. I haven’t had a chance” Devin sighed heavily “yesterday Ianto’s neighbours called the police reporting gunshots.”

Jack felt dizzy “What?”

“The police got there, found Ianto curled up on the floor sobbing and the TV shot to hell. Ianto said that a North Londoner had been taunting him. They had to sedate him. When I explained the situation to the cops and got him away from them, at his request I checked him into UNIT’s psychiatric facility.”

Jack sank onto the chair “You did what?”

“He doesn’t think he can function in society anymore, Jack.”

“But the UNIT psych ward isn’t much better than their prison.”

“There wasn’t time for anything else Jack. He could hardly move for all the hallucinations.”

Jack put his face in his hands “I want to see him. I need to talk to him.”

“Dressed like that?”

“I thought about shaving but I figured if I went to him looking like myself he might think I was another hallucination.”

“Fair point.”

“Colonel, I love Ianto and I wish to God I had realised it sooner. Please take me to him, maybe once I explain things, the hallucinations will stop.”


	13. Chapter Twelve

“You see” Jack said as they were driving to the UNIT base “my plan is that once I explain everything to him and he remembers he’ll tell me that I look ridiculous and to shave, get a haircut and put on my real clothes.”

“Are you going to kiss him?” the girls were riding in the back seat.

“Yes, kissing always works.” Jack was still wondering about that mysterious little girl from the plane. Was she an angel or something? Perhaps an incarnation of the Divine, telling him everything would be all right if he trusted his heart.

And believed in miracles.

…

Ianto was alone in the reception area that is until Owen the monkey man appeared.

Ianto sighed “Something I can do for you, Dr Harper? I’m supposed to be extremely sedated.”

“You’re awake ain’t ya?”

“Not that sedated. They told me I shouldn’t see any hallucinations.”

“What do UNIT quacks know?”

“What do you want Owen? My brother and daughters are on their way.”

“So who do you think they’re bringing with them?”

Ianto shrugged “Devin said it was a surprise.”

It was then Devin and the girls walked in “Hey Ianto, who’re you talking to?”

“Owen. He says the UNIT doctors are quacks. I thought you were bringing someone.”

The twins came up to him and hugged him “You’re going to be so excited Tad.”

He kissed them both “Why? Are they holding my discharge papers? I know I volunteered for this but only one day here and I’m sick of it. Place reminds me of Coma.”

Devin rolled his eyes “I…”

“Is someone laughing out in the hall?”

“Yes, I, uh, found Coffeeslave. I thought you might like to meet him.”

Ianto perked up “Really? You didn’t have to do that.”

“Well the truth is he found you. He’s very worried about you. Do you want me to bring him in?”

“Yes of course.”

“Okay, I have to warn you, he looks a bit like a lumberjack who hangs with Hell’s Angels on the weekends.”

“That’s fine, I want to meet him.”

“All right. Come on in.”

A man dressed like Fonzie but with a beard came in the room, for a moment it looked like he saw Owen who grinned and waggled his fingers before vanishing. The man gave Ianto a smile “Hello.”

Ianto stood up “Hello.”

“Girls,” Devin said “let’s leave them alone for a bit.”

Once the three of them were gone Ianto held out his hand “I don’t think I ever learned your name.”

He took his hand and sparks ran up and down Ianto’s spine “It’s gonna be a lot to take in, Ianto.”

Ianto blinked “Only one person says my name like that and he’s a hallucination.”

“A hallucination of a real person. Ianto, I am Jack.”

“Jack who?”

“Jack Harkness, Ianto. It’s me, I’m real. I know I don’t look like Jack Harkness right now but I guess I’ve let myself go since you left. I shouldn’t have let you go.”

Images flashed before Ianto so fast he couldn’t quite see them. He blinked, shook his head to clear it and peered closely at this man claiming to be Jack. The tear filled blue eyes matched Jack’s precisely. Ianto reached and touched his chin, feeling under his beard, the jawline felt right.

“Oh my God. Jack? I…don’t…” Ianto fell back in his chair.

…

Jack hadn’t fully thought about what he was going to say so he was going to wing it. “Ianto, I know it’s a lot but your hallucinations are based on your real memories. Those people you see, Tosh, Owen, Gwen, they were all real. So are Myfanwy and Janet.”

Ianto stared at him “You’re just as mad as I am.”

Jack sat in the chair across from him “No, listen” he pulled out his mobile and searched for the right video. He found it and showed it to Ianto “Look, that’s Myfanwy flying around the Hub.”

Ianto took hold of the phone “That place looks familiar. I’ve seen it in my dreams but…” he set the phone on the table. “What’s that?”

Jack had taken out Ianto’s diary from inside his jacket “This is your diary. It has everything in it. Ianto, you worked for Torchwood, we’re like UNIT only we’re outside the government. It’s complicated but when you got custody of the twins, you decided to leave. I told you that you didn’t have to take retcon but you said it was the only way. I shouldn’t have listened. I…”

Ianto held up a hand “Retcon?”

“It’s an amnesia pill, it works like the flashy light thing in Men in Black.”

“Oh” Ianto rubbed his temples “so then it’s protocol when one quits Torchwood that one takes this pill.”

“Yes, but I said you didn’t have to. I trust you. But you said it was the only way you could move on.” Jack really should have thought more about this. He should have written it down, rehearsed in a mirror or something.

“We were lovers, weren’t we?”

“Yes. Your diary explains everything and this letter you wrote me before you took the retcon” Jack put the letter on the table with the diary “I just read it recently. I couldn’t open it that night when I found it and I left it in my greatcoat which I put away. I couldn’t stand to look at it.”

Ianto picked up the letter and looked at it “This is my handwriting. I believe you, I don’t see why anyone would make this up” he looked into his eyes “but I don’t remember.”

“That’s okay. You don’t have to.”

“Why are you here Jack?”

Jack reached across the table and put a hand over Ianto’s “I realised two years and seven months too late that I am an idiot. Well I think I always realised it, I just didn’t admit it. Oh, Ianto, I’m just gonna say it because it’s true and it needs saying.”

“What?”

“I love you” Jack leaned over and kissed him.

…

The sparks intensified and memories came flooding back to Ianto. Not everything of course, but he knew now that this man was indeed Jack Harkness and he was definitely telling the truth.

“Jack,” he breathed as he pulled back “oh my god. You look ridiculous.”

Jack grinned, stood, came around the table and pulled Ianto to his feet “I was hoping you’d say that.” He enveloped Ianto in a crushing embrace.

Ianto returned it with just as much gusto “I remember you and I remember the bits with you in them but everything else is still sort of a blur.”

Jack kissed him again and stepped back “That’s all right, don’t force yourself.”

Ianto stared into his eyes “Do you mean it, what you said?”

Jack took his hands “Every word, Ianto. I was such a blind and stupid fool. I should have realised sooner. I am so sorry. I love you and I want to spend my life with you. You’re the one I want, my shining knight and I want to give you your happily ever after.”

A warm feeling spread through Ianto as he could tell Jack was telling the truth, he meant it “I love you too” he kissed him.

Jack held him close “You were always the one Ianto, I was just too stupid to see it.” He was crying.

“Shh, let’s not talk of it right now.” They held each other for long moments, crying happy to be back in each other’s arms.

Once their sobs subsided Ianto had to ask “Jack, when you came in, it looked like you saw Owen sitting there.”

Jack pulled back “You were seeing him too? He followed me from Cardiff.”

Ianto’s eyebrows shot up “You’ve been hallucinating him too?”

“Well I only recently started seeing him, before I just heard his voice telling me what a cock up I’d been. Did he grin in that stupid ‘I know something you don’t know’ way of his before disappearing?”

“Yes” Ianto said slowly “we can’t both have been seeing the same thing could we?”

“No, not unless he was a ghost. Holy crap, that was Owen’s ghost. The little guttersnipe really has been haunting me.”

“Huh. Well, I feel slightly less insane now.”

“You’re not insane.”

“Then get me out of this hellhole.”

“Right away.”

“And will you shave and get a haircut and put on your real clothes. Why on Earth are you dressed like a biker?”


	14. Chapter Thirteen

Devin had worked at a barber shop before university so he obliged and cut Jack’s hair but shoved him into the bathroom to shave himself. Ianto was in the kitchen making coffee, surprisingly Devin kept a machine for company but they had to make it themselves since he couldn’t touch the stuff. Since reuniting with Jack, he was glad to say, he hadn’t hallucinated a single thing.

“I smell heaven.”

Ianto turned and saw Jack standing in the kitchen’s entry way. His hair was cut and his face was smooth and he was back in his signature beige trousers and blue shirt and RAF greatcoat. Ianto grinned “That’s more like it” he closed the distance between them and kissed Jack hard. Pressed together as close as they were, it was easy to tell Jack was just as aroused as he was. Ianto placed kisses on his chin “Much better.”

“I don’t know, I was kind of digging the beard.”

Ianto whacked his shoulder lightly “Want some coffee?”

“God yes, haven’t had coffee in almost three years.”

Ianto smiled and kissed his cheek “That means a lot, Jack.” He poured Jack a cup and handed it to him.

Jack sniffed it first and a look of ecstasy spread over his face “Smells just as I remember” he took a drink and sank into a chair “oh God. Perfection.”

Ianto sat next to him “So what have I missed?”

Jack sighed and held his mug with both hands “Mickey and Martha are married and still with us.”

“When did they get married?”

“2009, I was best man. I couldn’t believe it myself.”

Ianto suddenly thought of the last chat session they had before Ianto shot the TV “Jack, the last time we chatted…you mentioned Rhys. Jack, did Gwen…was Gwen killed?”

Jack nodded “I told you the truth, it really was a car accident.”

“Whoa and I thought she’d be the one to live to old age.”

“Or else die in a more Torchwood like way. I know, it’s hard to believe. Torchwood got under her skin deeper than any of you and she gets killed by a drunk driver.”

“I’m so sorry Jack. I remember liking her… most of the time.”

Jack arched an eyebrow “Most of the time?”

“Well it probably says in my diary, sometimes I felt a little jealous.”

“Nothing to be jealous of, darling.”

Ianto felt warmly good at Jack calling him darling “How is Rhys doing?”

“He told me to stay away from his daughter, other than that, I don’t know.”

“What’s her name, Gwen and Rhys’s daughter?”

“I, uh, wasn’t really paying attention but I think it rhymes with your daughters names.”

“Do you have Rhys’s number? I’d like to give him my condolences.”

“Yeah, sure I’ll give it to you later.”

“So, uh, Jack, cariad, you’ll have to forgive me for being a little insecure; are we together now then?”

“I certainly hope so.”

Ianto smiled “So what do we do now? Now that we’re together?”

“Whatever you want, Ianto. We can stay here or whatever.”

“Stay here?”

Jack set down his cup and took Ianto’s hand “Ianto, I don’t want to go back to Torchwood. I just want a normal life. Whatever time we have, I want to spend it with you.”

“Really?” Ianto’s eyes stung.

“Yes, I know there’s still my immortality problem but I’m hoping that’ll get fixed.”

Ianto held Jack’s hand tighter “You are?”

“Ianto, I want to grow old with you. I want to give you the life you deserve, safe, a family. I’ve been dreaming a lot since I left Cardiff, about the life we could have.”

If this was a dream Ianto never wanted to wake up “Jack, I must confess with all that’s happened, I’m, uh, not entirely sure this is real. What if I’m in some sort of catatonic state and am dreaming?”

“Ianto,” Jack knelt on the floor, took both his hands and looked up into his eyes “I can only imagine what you must be going through but this isn’t a dream. Look, it’s only the first day, why don’t we sleep on it and see how you feel in the morning?”

“Only if you sleep with me.”

Jack rubbed his thumb over Ianto’s hand “Only if you’re sure. I don’t want you to rush into anything.”

“We’ve slept together before haven’t we?”

Jack grinned and his eyes danced “Well I did happen to bring one more thing with me. Reach into my left coat pocket” he let go of Ianto’s hands and stood.

Ianto couldn’t help but smirk “I don’t know; you’ve played that trick on me before” but he did so and his hand wrapped around something round and metal, he smiled and pulled it out “There are lots of things you can do with a stopwatch.”

“I can think of a few.”

“Quite a list.”

…

“So, uh, how loud can we be?” Jack asked when he and Ianto were alone in the room they were sharing.

“Everyone has ear plugs but I’m not sure how well they work.” Ianto took off his shirt “let’s do our game of ‘who can keep from screaming the longest’.”

Jack took off his coat “I do love that game” he held up the stopwatch and swung it “you control the stopwatch, Ianto, come and get it.”

Ianto grinned and pounced on him, pushing him back on the bed.

 

…

They were satiated but both men feared to fall asleep. Jack didn’t want to admit it but part of him was afraid he was dreaming too. He held Ianto close, Ianto’s head on his chest “I missed this” Jack kissed the top of his head “just lying bed with you.”

“Why Jack, are saying you like cuddling?”

“Only with you; you’re the only one who’s ever made me want to stay still.”

In response Ianto nuzzled him closer “Is this a fairy tale coming true?”

“Seems like” Owen stood at the foot of the bed.

Jack’s arm tightened around Ianto “Please tell me you see him.”

“I was just going to ask you the same thing.”

Owen winked at them “Yes I am a ghost. Jack, you’ll be happy to know there is indeed an afterlife. Tosh is doing well, she sends her love. Haven’t seen Gwen yet but she’s still fresh and probably in some form of denial.”

Jack and Ianto both sat up “Why are you a ghost?” Ianto asked.

Owen smiled “I was asked to. Second choice, mind, they asked Tosh first but you know how shy she is. I have to say you two do belong together. The universe is working in your favour.”

“Okay” Jack said “but why did they ask you? Why do we need a ghost?”

Owen rolled his eyes “Ianto, I’m sorry but you are not crazy, not really. Retcon did cause the blackouts and dizzy spells but it was me who caused the hallucinations.”

“You did what?”

“Had to get you thinking about those four years. Clearly I went about it the wrong way and I apologise. But I never made you see Lisa, God knows what that would have done to you.”

“And why were you driving me insane?” Jack asked.

Owen grinned slyly “It was highly entertaining. Truth is I had to get you thinking about Ianto so you would get sense and realise he’s the one for you. You know, Tosh saw it from the start, always thought you two were hot together. She didn’t like the way Gwen ogled you Jack and neither did I especially when she was sleeping with me, probably pretending I was you. What was I thinking?”

“Do you want us to answer that?”

“No, anyway I come bearing tidings of great joy.”

Ianto put a hand on his head “Did you really just go there?”

Owen’s eyes twinkled “I couldn’t resist. However, I am here in a messenger capacity. Jack, you just got your wish.”

“I what?” Jack made to get out of bed.

Owen held up a hand “Please stay under those covers. Congratulations Jack, you’re a real boy.”

Jack stared at him “are you saying I’m mortal?”

Owen nodded “Isn’t that what I said? The only reason you were brought back to life in the first place was because you two are meant for each other; there was just some mix up and you were born 3,000 years apart.”

Ianto looked at Jack “Is this really what you want?”

“Yes Ianto. I don’t want to live forever. I want to live with you.”

“If you could get sappy after I leave, I’d appreciate it” Owen said “listen Jack mate, just remember when you asked for this, the things you said, keep it up. A little faith goes a long way.”

“I’ll remember that, thank you Owen.”

“Hey man, don’t thank me” he pointed up “thank them. But you both deserve this so don’t take your happy ending for granted and Jack try not to die anytime soon and don’t freak out when you start going grey.”

“Freak out? I’ll be happy to.”

“Keep an eye on him, Ianto” with a final nod and smile to both of them, Owen vanished.

Jack kissed Ianto soundly “Ianto, I’m mortal. Can you believe it?”

“Well let’s not test it to be sure. But yes, I always wondered if you asked the right Power you might get what you want. It just took someone more powerful than the Doctor.”

“Yep, should have done it sooner. You wanna come back to Cardiff with me while I tie up things there?”

“Do you really want to leave Torchwood?”

“Yes, I’m done with catching aliens.”

“What will you do then?”

“I’ll think of something but right now, let’s get some sleep.”

“Sounds good.”

They snuggled under the covers. After a minute Jack said “I really am sorry about you and Jason.”

“No you’re not.”

“No I’m not, I just thought it’d be polite to say it and I hadn’t said it yet. So where do you want to live?”

“Well I don’t want to move the girls in the middle of a school year.”

“That’s fine, I like San Diego.”

“Can we bring the coffee machine from the Hub?”

Jack froze, remembering what he’d done to it “Uh, I don’t know, it’s pretty big, Let’s talk about it later.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! Jack and Ianto both got what they wanted!


	15. Epilogue

The next morning they woke still wrapped in each other’s arms.

Jack kissed Ianto “I can’t even tell you how alive I feel right now.”

They went down to breakfast and told Devin and the girls what happened.

“So, he really is your handsome prince, Tad?” Ceinwen asked.

Ianto put his hand over Jack’s “Yes he is and he’s going to be living with us.”

“Is that all right?” Jack asked them.

They nodded “What are you gonna tell Jason, Tad?”

“It’s creepy how they do that” Jack said to Ianto.

“They’re identical twins, Jack, they used to be one egg. As for Jason…”

“I’m sure he’ll understand” Devin said “Randy more or less explained things to him.”

Jack sighed “Torchwood should just start advertising in the phonebook if we’re gonna start telling everyone. It is a secret organisation.”

“Anyway” Ianto took a sip of his coffee “I’m going to go with Jack to Cardiff to help him move. Devin…”

“Yes, you can stay here till you find a place. But you probably should talk to Jason.”

“I know but he does have Kendal now though.”

…

Jack and Jason shook hands, staring at each other like stags. Meanwhile Ianto and Kendal greeted each other cordially and felt no need for measuring tape.

“I’m not sure which one of us deserves to slug the other more” Jack said.

Jason smiled “Just don’t mess things up, Jack. I’ll know where to find you.”

“Tell you what though, I’ll get you a new TV.”

“What for? TV was Ianto’s.”

Ianto put a hand on his forehead “I shot my own TV? Well you don’t understand, that bastard space pirate…”

Jack touched his shoulder “I’d have shot him too, Ianto.”

…

Cardiff, docks

Jack and Ianto stood outside the tourist office “We haven’t had it opened since you left. Nobody else knows more about Wales than you do.”

“I’m sorry. Did you call ahead?”

Jack nodded “Told Martha, she’s gonna let the Doctor know. He’ll be interested as to how I’m suddenly mortal. How’d it go with Rhys?”

“Not bad” Ianto said “he always did like me. His daughter’s name is Anwen by the way. I didn’t say this to Rhys but she’s kind of goofy looking but then I’m biased and think my daughters are prettier than anyone.”

Jack laughed “Well, you ready?”

“Yes.”

“I can’t wait to show you the archives; I kept them exactly how you left them.”

Ianto stared at him in disbelief “Are you having me on?”

“No, you’ll see. Let’s go. Oh and we’ll be alone in the Hub for a while so if you’re interested…”

“Last game of Naked Hide and Seek in the Hub, maybe” he said this coyly.

Jack grinned and unlocked the door.

Ianto sneezed when he stepped over the threshold, “Haven’t been cleaning up here though have you? It’s dusty.”

“Sorry. Come on” Jack opened up the passageway.

Myfanwy squawked when they came through the cog door.

Ianto smiled and held up the bar of dark chocolate he brought “Hey girl, you miss me?” he tossed the candy up in the air and the dinosaur caught it in her beak. She soared up to the rafters. Ianto sighed “Too bad we can’t take her with us.”

Jack rubbed his back “Mickey’s got a good rapport with her, she’ll be all right. Wanna see Janet?”

“Yeah, let me make some coffee first” he made his way to the kitchen.

Jack was frozen for a minute, he hadn’t let anyone clean up the mess he’d made “Uh Ianto” he followed him and found Ianto staring the bits of metal.

Ianto’s arms were crossed “Jack, why is there an axe lying in what appears to be the remains of my coffee machine?”

Jack swallowed “It was mocking me.”

“You did this?”

“I wasn’t in the best frame of mind. I’ll buy you a new one, we’ll design a whole house around one.”

Ianto arched an eyebrow “Really?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay then, show me what you’ve done with the archives.”

Jack took his hand “You’ll be impressed.”

…

Some years later…

Jack came rushing out of the bathroom looking a bit panicked “Ianto, is my hairline receding?”

Ianto arched an eyebrow “what did Owen say about freaking out?”

“Is that a yes? I said I wouldn’t mind when I went grey, losing my hair is NOT an option.”

Ianto ran a hand through Jack’s still thick hair “You’re being paranoid. You are not losing your hair, I promise. Now what about me?” he did up Jack’s bowtie.

“Still as gorgeous as ever.”

“Guys, are you ready?” Owen, their eleven year old son came into the room “we don’t want to be late.” They had a surrogate and both provided the sperm, so officially they didn’t know who the biological father was but it was obvious by looking at him that Jack’s swimmers were faster. His younger brother, Alexander looked more like Ianto. They still weren’t able to tell with their shared daughter, Tosh.

“Just about” Ianto said.

“Who’s wedding is this again?” Owen asked “Branwen or Ceinwen’s?”

“Branwen” Ianto said “Ceinwen’s is next month” he rested his head on Jack’s shoulder “I can’t believe this, I feel…”

Jack rubbed his back “Don’t you dare say old, you were eighteen when they were born and they’re, what, twenty-five.”

“I suppose” Ianto straightened up “Owen, you look very handsome. Did you do your tie up by yourself?”

“Yep, impressed?”

“Very, did you help your brother?”

“I don’t need help” five year old Alex came into the bedroom, his suit and tie askew.

Ianto knelt down and fixed him “When I was your age I was dressing myself quite nicely. But of course, your grandfather sold suits so…Jack, could you start getting Tosh ready?”

Jack went over to the cradle and scooped up their infant daughter “You’ve been being a very good girl haven’t you? Yes, you have. Ianto, could you get her dress out of the bag?”

Ianto stood up and did so “I can’t believe Branwen’s insisting she wear a baby version of her bridesmaid dresses.”

“At least they’re not revealing and I can’t believe I just said that.”

“Well the bride has to look the best.”

Once everyone was dressed, they piled in the car. Jack dropped Ianto a little ways away from the church because he had to arrive in the limo with Branwen and her maid of honour, Ceinwen. The next month it was the reverse, only Branwen was matron of honour.

Ianto’s first born daughters were all grown up and their new husbands were good men. He and Jack had a family of their own. They stayed in America so Jack could continue to carry a weapon, he just couldn’t give it up and he joined the police. He couldn’t quite sacrifice the thrill of catching bad guys either, he just exchanged aliens for humans; he was a lead detective now. Ianto owned his own coffee shop and had plans to open a second location. And Ianto didn’t want to think about how someday, probably soon, he’d be a grandfather. Ces’t la vie.

But life was wonderful.

And they lived happily ever after.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment/kudo if you enjoyed this. I know it turned out a bit weird, what with Owen's ghost and all but...this was kinda a fairy tale after all.


End file.
